Okay, I know I’m way late with this one but I created a draft post the day it happened and then promptly forgot all about finishing it up. 🙂
So everybody knows about MIA’s flipping of the proverbial bird to the Super Bowl audience a couple of weeks ago. The way the Parents Television Council (a.k.a. The National Commission of Prudes and Perpetually Offended Religious Blowhards) is reacting to it is pure magic: self-righteous offense at a simple gesture, claiming that millions of people were insulted and spiritually wounded by an assault on their morals. Witness the crazy:
The PTC says the NFL promised the organization a clean show despite casting performers with provocative reputations.
“NBC fumbled and the NFL lied because a performer known as M.I.A. felt it necessary to flip off millions of families,” wrote PTC president Tim Winter. “It is unfortunate that a spectacular sporting event was overshadowed once again by broadcasting the selfish acts of a desperate performer. Last week the NFL formally told the PTC – and the American public – that the Super Bowl halftime show would be ‘appropriate.’ Most families would agree that the middle finger aimed directly at them is not appropriate, especially during the most-watched television event of the year.”
According to an NBC spokesperson, the monitoring system tried to blur M.I.A’s gesture, but was too late by a fraction of a second (photo and video here). The NFL, however, hired the talent and produced the show.
“The mechanism NBC had in place to catch this type of material completely failed, and the network cannot say it was caught off guard,” Winter continued. “It has been eight years since the Janet Jackson striptease, and both NBC and the NFL knew full well what might happen. They chose a lineup full of performers who have based their careers on shock, profanity, and titillation. Instead of preventing indecent material, they enabled it. M.I.A. used a middle finger shamelessly to bring controversial attention to herself, while effectively telling an audience filled with children, ‘eff-you.’”
Ya know what? Every time something like this happens on live T.V. and groups like this get upset, I want to stand up and cheer. These morons need to be offended. Lighten the fuck up, America!
Super Bowl haiku, anyone?
Twenty-one to ten
Football fans crushed, defeated
O glorious day!
Yes, this is the day Seattle has been waiting 30 years for: a chance to watch our beloved
Seagulls Seahawks play in the one and only Super Bowl. This is the day when millions of people (mostly past-their-prime aging husbands and their bored wives) will spend several hours watching big hulking mongoloids dressed in plastic body armor beat the living shit out of each other while chasing a ball around. It’s a primitive but traditional ritual, usually involving lots and lots of bad food and shitty American beer. Too bad some Seattleites will miss it due to power outages caused by yesterday’s massive windstorm, but hey…sometimes you just gotta, you know, take one for the team.
As it happens, this is the first truly sunny day we’ve had in over a month, after enduring almost constant rain and cloudiness since Christmas. It’s a good day to be out and about, enjoying the weather. But even I can recognize that this is a Big Day for Seattle, which is why I’m dedicating my entire day to it! So at 3:25 p.m., be sure and come visit this here blog for NON-STOP NON-COVERAGE of the game! That’s right, you’ll find NO scores, NO stats, NO team histories, NO fan interviews from the stands. Of course, depending on the outcome, I may have to post something tomorrow about it, but during the game you can rely on this blog to bring you…absolutely nothing.
Oh yeah, I almost forgot: GO STEELERS!!!
This Super Bowl thing is going to kill me. There’s a big
Seagulls Seahawks rally here in downtown Seattle right now…people are shouting, cheering, chanting, whipping themselves into a football frenzy. Do they really need to get more excited about Sunday’s game? It’s starting to creep me out. The moment these people begin the human sacrifices, I’m outta here.
And to make things even more painful, I just noticed that the Seattle Times has been asking people to send in Super Bowl haiku. I shit you not! Here are a few choice examples. Prepare yourself…
Drinkin’ Rainier beer
Watchin’ Seattle Seahawks
Kickin’ Steeler butt
— Bob Steele, Gig Harbor, WA
Want to hear a joke?
Steelers think they can beat us
— Derek Tyler, Yakima, WA
Vanity our name
is not, Neither conceit nor
arrogance, GREAT, YES!!!!!
— Alan, Kalama, WA
Will we win Sunday?
Of course, we are the Seahawks!
Steelers are humbled.
— Juli, Seattle, WA
I was so inspired by these craptacular examples of haiku that I wanted to write my own. Think I should submit these?
Football season’s here
Nonstop irritating hype
Oh, when will it end?
Creepy football fans
Dressing, thinking alike
Welcome to the cult
Great big manly men
Grabbing, sweating, tackling
That ain’t gay? Bitch, please!
There’s just something about the name “Super Bowl XL” that makes me think of big fat guys sitting around on the sofa watching football, stuffing their faces with junk food, and swilling cheap, nasty American beer by the gallon. Yeah, it’s probably just me. But since I didn’t have time to come up with a good t-shirt or button design to sell before the big fat event, here’s what I came up with instead.
What do y’all think? Does it get the “XL” message across strongly enough? Now go git yerself some quadruple-meat supreme pizza(s), flop yer ass down on the couch, and send yer wife into the kitchen with a swat on the ass so she can fetch y’all a bucket o’ chicken and a Bud mini-keg from th’ fridge! Thar’s a game on, hot-diggity!!
Dear God, no! Why did the Seattle
Seagulls Seahawks have to win yesterday? Why?? Now they’re playing in the Super Bowl! The sports cultists will be whipped into a frenzy! We’ll never hear the end of it! People at work and on the bus and in the grocery store and in the bars and on the street and everywhere else will be yammering endlessly about it for days and days and days and days! It will saturate local T.V., radio, magazines, billboards, all media until the wretched event is done! God, why are you punishing us? Is this payback for that whole Ten Commandments in the courthouse thing??