Obviously my heart is filled with evil glee is whenever some overpaid sports celebrity makes a national ass of himself, but it’s even better when an overhyped sports event goes insanely awry. I’m talking about last weekend’s NBA All-Star Weekend in Vegas, which turned out to be little more than an excuse for these “professionals” (worshipped as role models by many young ‘uns) to run around and act like animals and criminals. AOL’s Jason Whitlock was there and wrote a great commentary on this mind-boggling assholery. I’ll paste in some of the juicier bits:
The game is a sloppy, boring, half-hearted mess. The dunk contest is contrived and pointless. The celebrity contest is unintended comedy. And, worst of all, All-Star Weekend revelers have transformed the league’s midseason exhibition into the new millennium Freaknik, an out-of-control street party that features gunplay, violence, non-stop weed smoke and general mayhem.
All weekend, people, especially cab drivers, gossiped about brawls and shootings. You didn’t know what to believe because the local newspaper was filled with stories about what a raging success All-Star Weekend was.
There were so many fights and so many gangbangers and one parking-lot shootout at the MGM Grand that people literally fled the hotel in fear for their safety. I talked with a woman who moved from the MGM to the Luxor because “I couldn’t take it. I’ll never come back to another All-Star Game.”
I was there. Walking The Strip this weekend must be what it feels like to walk the yard at a maximum security prison. You couldn’t relax. You avoided eye contact. The heavy police presence only reminded you of the danger.
Wow, sounds like a great place to be for all those basketball fans! But is anyone surprised this happened? These celebrity players make tons of money and think they’re above the law, and bringing them to a flashy place like Vegas is bound to dissolve whatever self-control they might have left. And isn’t it just typical for the pricks in the Vegas media to downplay this stuff and pump out bullshit about what a success the event was? But for someone like me who gets a perverse kick out of seeing sports cultists reveal their true nature, it’s entertainment gold. I’d expect the same exact thing from a football or baseball event, by the way…none of them are above this. (Oddly enough, this is the same event that a certain bigot was recently barred from. Looks like he might have been right at home there.)
Back when I knew what the inside of a gym looked like, I used to smirk at those weight-lifting guys who would grunt and groan dramatically with each crunch or squat-thrust. “UNNGGGHHHH!” Yeah — nice display of testosterone, Mongo. We’re all deeply impressed and humbled. Anyway, one particular gym in New York has had enough of this primate behavior and has outright banned grunting. Repeat offenders will be thrown out and their accounts will be canceled. Now, I do think that some of these guys are being overdramatic, but to me it would have to be really super over-the-top to warrant booting or banning someone. Seems kinda silly to make it an official policy, especially when it’s natural do make some noise while lifting. What are people supposed to do? Not work out as hard? I suppose this gym will soon be banning people who breathe loudly as well.
A recent story in the Washington Post details how homemade fight videos are showing up online in increasing numbers. Some of it is random violence against total strangers, but a large amount of it seems to be guys who simply love a good fistfight between each other now & then, addicted to the adrenaline rush. They’ve set up “fight clubs” all over the world, inviting people to participate. And, of course, they also love to tape the fights, which are showing up on video-sharing sites or being sold on DVDs. apparently it’s freaking people out.
This particular story takes a “Can you believe this?” tone, and it does seem somewhat silly and juvenile, but the concept of guys beating the shit out of each other (consensually) and then walking/limping away happy and satisfied is oddly interesting to me, though of course it’s not exactly my personal cup o’ tea. It’s as if they’re satisfying some sort of pent-up primordial urge by beating each other up rather than going out and attacking total strangers who are minding their own business. (There are some sick fucks out there who tape each other beating up unsuspecting innocents and then put the videos online, but that’s a different story. I think.)
A lot of these guys were probably inspired by the movie “Fight Club”, though I’m sure it’s not a totally new idea. It’s is one of my favorite movies ever, and not because of the relatively few fight scenes. It explores this fight-your-friends-for-fun idea, plus some other intersting ideas, before mutating into something quite different and bizarre… Anyway, it’ll be interesting to see if the video-sharing sites try to crack down on these videos in the name of Protecting The Children™.
Dang it! Ya get to th’ ball game an’ yer ready fer a good ol’ time watchin’ those guys battin’ an’ chasin’ them balls, an’ all ya want is to relax with a nice cold brew, right? Yuh! So ya hollar at that guy with th’ beer to come over an’ give ya a brew. Y’know, th’ kind in those fancy plastic Bud cups? An’ he says, “Okey dokey, that’ll be six bucks!” An’ you say WHAT? Six bucks fer one dang cuppa beer? A fuggin ripoff, Jack! So whatcha gonna do now? Easy! Ya gitcherself a beer belly! Naw, I know ya already got one. But I mean a Beer Belly, a fake bladder thingy you can use to sneak beer ‘n’ stuff into the game. An’ it looks ‘n’ feels just like yer REAL BEER BELLY! Dang right! Now you can be suckin’ down beer, tequila, or homebrew hooch an’ REALLY get loud ‘n’ rowdy ‘n’ be a real asshole fer DIRT CHEAP! HOOOOOO-doggy!!
(Thanks to Randy for this, via a story in the Seattle Times)
Here’s a picture of the truck that Seattle’s Capitol Hill shooter drove.
I’m not saying that a big hulking black truck is any indication of someone’s mental state or anything. I just think it’s…interesting. Yeah, that’s it.
Turning the collar up on your polo shirt is not sexy!
It does not make you a Real Cool Guy!
It makes you look like a complete twat!
This ugly trend died in the 80’s for a very good reason. Just because the mannequins at Old Navy and the airbrushed muscledorks in mens’ magazines are doing it doesn’t mean it’s a good idea. Turning your collar up brings bad fashion karma. It makes people laugh and point. Stop that!
This has been a public service announcement from the League of Horrified Fashion Observers.
Leave it to a French fashion designer to decide that today’s “macho man” is at home in ridiculous, pretentious foo-foo clothing.
Macho man is an endangered species, with today’s male more likely to opt for a pink flowered shirt and swingers’ clubs than the traditional role as family super-hero, fashion industry insiders say.
A study along these lines led by French marketing and style consultants Nelly Rodi was unveiled to Fashion Group International during a seminar Tuesday on future strategy for the fashion industry in Europe.
“The masculine ideal is being completely modified. All the traditional male values of authority, infallibility, virility and strength are being completely overturned,” said Pierre Francois Le Louet, the agency’s managing director.
Instead today’s males are turning more towards “creativity, sensitivity and multiplicity,” as seen already in recent seasons on the catwalks of Paris and Milan.
Look, Nelly (his real name, I might add): just because you’re seeing this stuff on the catwalks of Paris and Milan doesn’t mean it’s a new paradigm for manly men everywhere. Can you seriously imagine the typical American thick-necked macho jock type wearing a pink shirt spattered with yellow flowers? He’d rather be dipped in gravy and thrown to a pack of rabid poodles! I don’t know about you, but I don’t trust fashion designers to be the ones to psychoanalyze the men of the world the way they attempt to in this story. I know they like to try to dictate what everyone else wears by deciding what’s “in” and “hot”, but this is a bit of a stretch. But I’m just a lowly consumer…the French Fashion Elite™ obviously know a great deal of deep philosophical stuff that I’m completely missing. I’ll wear whatever you tell me to! Where’s my neon green tube top and matching thong?
These people are also using Reebok’s bullshitty slogan “I Am What I Am” as an example of the newfound freedom among straight men to bend the rules and do/dress as they please. Nevermind the fact that it’s a MARKETING SLOGAN which would be more accurate if it was “I am what I am as long as I’m wearing Reebok.” (In case the story has moved, since Yahoo stupidly moves news links after a few days, you can read a text version here.)
Just when I thought the most absurd truck in the world had been spotted, I’ve just learned about an even bigger hunk of fetid shite: the International RXT. They’re calling it a “prototype”, but my brother somehow managed to find one and snap a photo. I just love the stuff they have in their press release: “…just as people have unique personas, the International RXT is designed for business owners who prefer a strong and athletic look rather than a vehicle as big and bold as the International CXT.” I guess if you’re gonna buy a penis-extender like this, it may as well be strong and athletic as well.
Have you ever seen one of those ridiculously monstrous Hummers driving down a residential street (or some other place they don’t belong) and instantly flip it off? I do it all the time. Seriously. Especially when they come flying down the freeway, zooming past me in a huge rush to get somewhere vastly important — you know, like Wal-Mart or something. My finger instantly goes up, it’s almost like a reflex. Anyway, a fellow named Matthew Yanos clued me in on a fun little site called Fuck You And Your H2 where you can submit photos of you and other people flipping off a Hummer. Sure, it’s a little juvenile…but so is the typical Hummer owner’s hotrod bigger-is-better mentality!
Dear God, this guy has a serious megatruck fetish if I ever saw one. Just what are these fugly things, anyway? Are they trucks or diesel-ettes? This is one machine that gives the Ford Phallus a run for its money! You gotta have a penis of subatomic proportions to plunk down a pile of cash for one of these “Xtreme” things, let me tell you. Or maybe just a lot of money to waste, who knows. Thanks to Drew Grigg for passing along this nugget of megatruck excess!