They can be seen whining in the news, spreading conspiracies on social media, hate-preaching on the streets, and even sitting maskless in church, belting out an off-key rendition of “God Loves the Poor and Downtrodden (Except The Faggots). One might be a friend, a family member, a co-worker, or (worst of all) your boss. They are Toxic Christians, and their dangerous influence has been spreading like wildfire — from tiny hometown churches all the way up to the highest positions in the U.S. military and government. Maybe they don’t bother you now, but the time will come when they’ll do something that directly affects your way of life. And then it’ll be too late!
How do I spot a Toxic Christian?
It’s surprisingly easy, actually. Here are some major clues, examples of which you can find with a simple search:
- Belligerent declarations about who’s going to Hell and why, as if they can possibly comprehend the mind of an omnipotent cosmic being
- Belligerent declarations that their church is proudly mask-free and will remain that way
- Belligerent declarations that liberals want MAGAts to be beaten and killed for their opinions
- Belligerent declarations that their church will never succumb to the tyranny of social distancing or lockdowns, essentially ensuring a weekly superspreader event
- Belligerent declarations that Trump is the one and only person who can save this country from Satan, despite him being the least Christian person in the entire country
- Belligerent declarations that taking any precaution against the COVID-19 infringes on their “religious liberties”
- Belligerent declarations that vaccinations are evil and false hope, when faith alone can cure you of anything
- Belligerent declarations that children are being turned into Satan-loving homosexuals, then deleting their entire social media presence after being outed as child molesters or seeking blowjobs in public toilets
- Belligerent declarations that all social justice causes are just an excuse for black people to break things and steal
You might begin to sense a pattern here. Taking Trump’s lead like a flock of self-righteous sheep, these social media zealots have gotten more outspoken and always come out swinging when a simple handshake will do. In fact they’ve become raging, frothy-mouthed thugs with zero patience for anyone who dares to disagree with them or point out their un-Christlike behavior.
Whatever happened to reverence and devotion? Whatever happened to compassion and humility? Sheltering the homeless and feeding the hungry? Fuck that, we’ve got Facebook rants to post and vicious digs at Nancy Pelosi to tweet! We’ve got a whole lotta vaccine and virus disinfo to spread, bro! Jesus and his teachings are boring — we gotta get Trump reinstated before the Dems manage to pass a bill that actually helps the less fortunate!
This, folks, is Toxic Christianity: a death cult of self-serving, dogmatic, arrogant, thin-skinned, superficial, self-deluded, greedy beyond measure, and (of course) belligerent people who are Christians in name only. They have ruined friendships and divided families, and the ones in power have managed to pass record numbers of bills that punish and limit the freedoms of people they deem unworthy. They just might be the next pandemic.
What can be done?
Obviously we need a cure. If the drug companies can come up with a vaccine for COVID-19 in a year, they can surely come up with a solution for this affliction. I propose a vaccine derived from several key components believed to contribute to a well-rounded outlook on life: self-awareness, compassion for others, self-reflection, agnosticism, belief in science and fact, open-mindedness, humility, willingness to learn, empathy, and curiosity about the world.
Petition your politicians! We can do this!!