Say it ain’t so! Britney’s been ordered to give up her children because she’s too busy being a crack whore to be a mom. Apparently she’s been reading The Courney Love Guide To, Like, Parenting. Now these poor kids are being handed over to Kevin Federline, as if he’s going to do a better job! I’ll bet he can’t even boil hot dogs without setting the house on fire.
Won’t somebody please think of the children!!
Wow, I haven’t seen anything this publicly pathetic in quite some time. Faced with a paltry 23 days in prison (and the very real possibility of having her face turned into a body scrubber by Prisoner #9416048, a.k.a. Large Marge), Paris Hilton is combing the world’s religions for answers and solace. Actually she’s just putting on a big show of buying religious books and looking woeful, but whatever.
Apparently she’s been “reading” the Christian stuff, most likely paraphrased or children’s versions, but Yahweh hasn’t paid her a smidge of attention. She’s now turning to the Buddha, hoping he’ll swoop in and save her from this totally totally uncool sentence. Unfortunately for her, the Buddha isn’t known for his superhero powers. What’s a stupid spoiled whore to do??
Pssst…hey, Paris! Maybe Large Marge will let ya rub her belly!
Another Earth Day has come and gone with little fanfare (or planet-saving, for that matter), but it did result in some fantastically stupid comments from celebrities. The most notorious ones come from Cheryl Crow:
“Although my ideas are in the earliest stages of development, they are, in my mind, worth investigating. I propose a limitation be put on how many squares of toilet paper can be used in any one sitting.” Crow has also commented on her website about how she thinks paper napkins “represent the height of wastefulness”. She has designed a clothing line with what she calls a “dining sleeve”. The sleeve is detachable and can be replaced with another “dining sleeve” after the diner has used it to wipe his or her mouth.
It’s no wonder that rational people don’t take these environmentalist celebrities seriously. Does she honestly believe that using less toilet paper and fewer paper napkins will have an effect on melting glaciers, polluted oceans, toxic air, nuclear waste, or overcrowding in our cities? What about those volcanoes that spew tons of ozone-depleting gases into the air, or the zillions of backyard swimming pools that waste countless tons of fresh water per year? Are those linked to the way we wipe our various orifices? Jesus. Not to mention that she’s traveling on this Stop Global Warming tour via gas-guzzling buses. Big surprise there. I imagine those buses are littered with detatchable “dining sleeves” smeared with wheat grass and lipstick.
I’m so tired of these celebrities who seem willing to do something meaningful but never actually do anything. Personally I don’t think the planet can be “saved” (or needs to be, for that matter), and it’s arrogant to think that humans can force such changes on the planet anyway. We’re probably having a negative impact to some degree, but the planet is going through its own cycles and has been through far worse than us. We’re the ones who need saving before we kill ourselves off, not the Earth. (This is a non-expert opinion, but it’s just as valid as anything coming from celebrities riding around in tour buses.)
Well, well, well! Hot on the heels of Anna Nicole Smith’s undignified demise comes news of another overhyped, why-is-she-famous celebrity freak-out: Britney Spears. First she shaved her head after one day in rehab, and now she’s wearing a wig to cover it all up again. It’s the latest in a long string of weird behavior (even for her), and it can only point to one thing: her impending doom. I totally expect her to follow in Anna Nicole’s footsteps and flush her life down the toilet in a most embarrassing way, and of course America will willingly slurp it up as a national tragedy.
Here’s the grand finale I envision for Britney, based on other celebrity deaths. After she’s been unreachable for several hours, the cops finally break into her 5-star hotel room. She’s splayed out on the bed wearing only jeans and a bra — one leg is flopped down onto the floor, its high-heel shoe laying a couple of feet away. Her tangled, booze-stained wig has come off and is resting on the other side of the bed. Her left hand is clutching a bottle of antidepressant/diet pills and her right hand is wrapped around three smoldering cigarettes. A facial tissue has been twisted into a point and stuffed up into one nostril. The rest of the bed is covered with tabloid magazines and brochures for breast implants, some of them shredded to pieces. A large box of wine, damaged from being kicked around the room earlier, sits on her nightstand and slowly dribbles its contents onto the vomit-sprayed carpeting. Bottles of cheap hooch litter the bedroom and bathroom floors, most half-empty and stained with lipstick. In the tub they find a fetid mixture of bathwater, expensive makeup, a few of her favorite performance outfits, and the hair she shaved off recently.
The next day, headlines will proclaim her a lost hero, a shining talent the world will sorely miss. Her douchebag ex-husband Kevin Federline will honor her memory by rapping at her funeral and selling the recording on iTunes.
Shortly after, news will surface of Paris Hilton’s booze-fueled naked nosedive off the roof of one of her father’s hotels, and the cycle will begin again.
And speaking of dumbfucks, have y’all seen the latest Gwen Stefani video atrocity called “Wind It Up”? Holy sweet Baby Jesus! I don’t know what this woman is snorting, but she’s crossed the line from Annoying Yet Catchy to Annoying Yodeling Freaktard. Yes, she’s yodeling. And dancing around wtih a giant key. And dressed like a nun. Did someone push her down a flight of stairs recently? Or perhaps all that peroxide has started to eat away at her walnut-sized brain. I’m not someone who demands that all music have deep meaning, but this music isn’t even fun…it’s just upbeat noise and insipid lyrics. In other words, it’ll be a hit in this country!
Well, now! The video of Faith Hill’s hilarous “What?!” moment at Monday’s Country Music Awards is quite amusing. She says it was a joke, but…I don’t know. She looks pretty pissed to me. I’m still baffled by the concept of giving awards for country music, though…
Hey, depressed Americans! Forget the War in Iraq, forget those alleged Korean nukes, forget those closeted Republican boychasing geezers. Here’s some news to wipe it all away, creating a shiny new world of limitless possibilities where humankind lives together in harmony with nature and spirit. This can only mean…Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie have renewed their friendship and are shooting another season of “The Simple Life.”
Mr Murray said for the next season of the programme he plans to put the pair on a deserted island with a group of survivalists. The decision was reached after they agreed to appear side-by-side again. “They reached out to each other in universal disdain for the island concept and rekindled their friendship,” he said.
Wow! Nothing makes a nation of retards happier than stupid spoiled whores on T.V. Praise Jesus and pass the remote!
Well! Looks like ol’ Mel “Helter Skelter” Gibson has fucked himself out of his Holocaust TV series after going completely, Jew-bashingly batshit during his DUI arrest last week. What I want to know is: why was he doing a series about the Holocaust when he so OBVIOUSLY loathes Jewish people? I suppose in Mel’s version of those events, the Jews were just askin’ for it. Look into his eyes…he’s a taco short of a combo plate, that one. C’mon, Mel. Ya reek of vodka and Hollywood arrogance. Time to check yerself into Betty Ford before you really do something stupid…like run for office or something.
The big news over the weekend was Mel “Crazy as a Fuckin’ Loon” Gibson’s drunken joyride through Malibu and, after being pulled over, his whacked-out tirade against Jews. He later apologized and basically blamed the alcohol for making him say things he didn’t mean…but can being drunk make you hate Jews? Personally, I think alcohol tends to bring out what’s already in your head. I’ve been drunk plenty of times (not driving!) and have never suddenly decided that I despise Catholics. Anyway, he’s apparently been caught driving drunk at least twice before, so this last incident is just another example of what a fine Christian role-model he has become.
Just wait till he kills someone. Stupid bastard.