…Because if I have to see Miley Cyrus stick her stupid tongue out one more time I’m going to fuckin’ die.
Like I needed any more reasons to not give a shit about Bieber.
“I’m a Christian, I believe in God, I believe that Jesus died on a cross for my sins,” Bieber says in a new interview about the memoir. “I believe that I have a relationship and I’m able to talk to him and really, he’s the reason I’m here, so I definitely have to remember that. As soon as I start forgetting, I’ve got to click back and be like, you know, this is why I’m here.”
Oh yeah, and why is this kid writing a memoir? What is he, 16? Is the world really that interested in what he has to say about his short time on this planet? I’m sure he’s filled up to his batter-bowl haircut with worldly wisdom. Shit, folks, it’s time to sort our priorities!
I remember hearing Dr. Laura on the radio in the mid-90’s, which was when she was second in popularity only to Rush Limbaugh. She was known for her “tough love” approach to callers’ problems, which basically means she was an asshole to them. She put them down, she made them feel like bad people, she called them stupid and immoral. Oh yeah, and sometime around 2000 she called homosexuals a “biological error.” I haven’t heard about her since then, and honestly I’m surprised she’s still on the air.
Well, was still on the air. You see, after yelping the word “nigger” 11 times during a recent call, she can’t imagine why people are boycotting her sponsors. She’s just flabbergasted that people are “restricting her free speech” this way. Her logic: “Well, black people say it all the time to each other, so what’s the big deal?” So she’s decided to “retire” from her radio show and just stick to writing ignorant books instead.
So good riddance, “doctor” Laura. You won’t be missed in the slightest, you wretched old cow.
No stranger to controversy, Dr. Schlessinger has been under intense pressure in recent days following an exchange with a caller on her radio show last week in which she used the racial epithet — the so-called N-word — 11 times. The caller, a black woman, was complaining that she was married to a white man whose friends and family members frequently made racist comments in her presence. Dr. Schlessinger responded by arguing there was a “confusing” double standard — that blacks could use the epithet freely while whites could not.
“If anybody without enough melanin says it, it’s a horrible thing; but when black people say it, it’s affectionate,” she said. “It’s very confusing.”
Even after the caller complained — “I was a little caught back by the N-word that you spewed out, I have to be honest with you” — Dr. Schlessinger repeated it a number of times, insisting her caller had “too much sensitivity.”
This is so completely absurd that I almost don’t know how to react. Almost.
There’s a website called Vigilant Citizen whose author is convinced that Lady Gaga is an evil agent of a shadowy secret society which is using mind control to shape the thoughts and actions of our precious, precious children. All this is done through her music videos, of course. Wow, it’s so simple, right? The author says, “Look! She’s making the A-OK sign! That’s a symbol of the ILLUMINATI! And looky there, she’s covering one eye! That’s another sign of the ILLUMINATI! On this video she’s doing this and that, and on this frame of that video you can CLEARLY see that other thing! Those are all MORE SIGNS OF THE ILLUMINATI CONTROL OF THE WORLD OMG!” Christ. On. A. Cracker.
Here are some of my favorite bits from his shot-by-shot dissection of her “Telephone” video. And these don’t even begin to scratch the surface of the crazy…the reader comments are chock-full of nutty goodness.
In the prison yard, Gaga walks around chained up and wearing sunglasses made of lit cigarettes. Do the cigarettes covering her eyes represent her blindness to her highly toxic life as a mind controlled drone?
No, it’s a joke on staying high-fashion while in prison. Didn’t you see her using Coke cans as hair curlers in a different scene? Maybe you would have noticed this if you hadn’t been freeze-framing the entire video looking for hidden messages from our secret mind-controlling overlords. (Then again, in the comments someone points out that the Coke cans contain aspartame which lowers the I.Q., which makes it the perfect mind-control drug. Bloody hell.)
Gaga is then bailed out by Beyoncé and leaves prison. Inside the car, Gaga and Beyoncé engage into a highly dissociative conversation. It basically sounds like dialogue between two mind-controlled slaves. The phrase “Trust is like a mirror. You can fix it if it’s broke but you can still see the crack in the motherfucker’s reflection” can refer to a cheating boyfriend and can also refer to the permanent damage caused by the fragmenting of one’s personality in mind control.
What about the other thing she says: “Once you kill a cow, you gotta make a burger”? Is that a hidden message meant to brainwash young kids into eating at McDonald’s? Or perhaps it’s a reference to the Discordian Sacred Chao? I knew it!!
You might have noticed the emphasis on “bees” and “honey” during the entire video. Gaga calls Beyoncé “Honey Bee”. She also serves poisoned honey to the diner’s customers. What does this signify? Beyoncé and Gaga’s poisonous honey is actually their music and videos, which are served to the general public through mass media. You can figure out the rest.
Oh yes, I can definitely figure out the rest. You’re really stretching here, dude. Seriously. You’re trying way too hard. This stuff isn’t that deep. You can take any frame from any music video and find whatever mystic/occult/Masonic/Illuminati symbol you want. Just make shit up and people will nod and say, “Wow, you’re SO right! How did I not see that before? What excellent research!”
What I want to know is: if the Illuminati really is broadcasting messages via Lady Gaga music videos…what’s the point? Just a wink and a nudge to those “in the know”? What kind of secret society goes to such great lengths to put symbols in our faces for only a tiny fraction of people to recognize, are they just trying to say “Hi, we’re still here pulling the strings”? I don’t get it. The people debating this stuff are also discussing mind-control symbols in cartoons like “Daria”, so a HUGE grain of salt is needed here.
Look, I know it’s fun to believe that there might be some conspiracy out there shaping the fate of the people in some way. It’s fun to think about secret societies, arcane symbols, esoteric beliefs, and what have you. When I was in my early 20’s I loved reading about that kind of thing. Here, let me throw out some keywords to give you an idea: Robert Anton Wilson, Art Bell, Alternative 3, FEMA camps, Richard Hoagland, Mars face, Jesus bloodline, faked Moon landing, HIV doesn’t cause AIDS…and much more. All this was fed by a steady diet of late-night talk radio, online conspiracy forums, self-published books by people who claimed to know The Truth, and just plain boredom. No, I didn’t believe 100% of it, but the possibility of some of it being true was fascinating. Eventually, however, I sharpened my critical thinking skills and grew out of it. I still find it mildly interesting, and I’ll admit it’s not impossible that certain conspiracies might exist, because I certainly don’t know everything. But really — using Lady Gaga to induce mind control of the population? Are you fucking kidding me?
These people think they see hidden strings and the hand of secret societies in every single thing they look at. How do they sleep at night?
The sports world was shaken to its very core as Michael Phelps, darling swimmer of the 2008 Olympics, admitted that he did smoke pot from a bong as depicted in a tabloid photo.
Once again the moronic idea that pot is somehow more dangerous than alcohol rears its stupid head. This is pot we’re talking about, people…it’s nothing to get worked up about. Shit, you’d think these people had caught him doing crystal meth or heroin! This apology was complete nonsense, meant only to keep his sponsors
from pulling out and to get the high-and-mighty (drug-abusing,
alcohol-swilling, wife-beating) sports world off his back.
You know what, Mike? Fuck these people…stop apologizing and smoke all you want. You own your body, not the state or your manager or the alleged millions who look up to you as their ultimate sports hero of all time. You control what happens to it and what goes into it, and you obviously know how to take care of it because you swim like a goddamn dolphin. If it doesn’t affect your performance, go ahead and puff up once in a while. You’ve earned it. Just watch out for people carrying cameras next time, mmmkay? Mmmkay.
And this hero-worship notion that his bong hits are going to somehow destroy the hopes and dreams of millions of kids is asinine. This is what guys in their early 20’s do, for fuck’s sake! Cut him some slack. Hell, I’d be smoking too if I was under that kind of public microscope.
I love Larry David’s stuff. His show “Curb Your Enthusiasm” is right up there with “The Office” (BBC version) for cringe-inducing humor and absurd situations. I’m not old enough to be a curmudgeon, even though I feel like one sometimes, but I can be one vicariously through him. And when I saw that he wrote a short piece on the elections for the Huffington Post today, I had to zip on over there to see it. And he doesn’t disappoint — he’s nailed my sentiments on this election shit exactly:
Five times a day I’ll still say to someone, “I don’t know what I’m going to do if McCain wins.” Of course, the reality is I’m probably not going to do anything. What can I do? I’m not going to kill myself. If I didn’t kill myself when I became impotent for two months in 1979, I’m certainly not going to do it if McCain and Palin are elected, even if it’s by nefarious means. If Obama loses, it would be easier to live with it if it’s due to racism rather than if it’s stolen. If it’s racism, I can say, “Okay, we lost, but at least it’s a democracy. Sure, it’s a democracy inhabited by a majority of disgusting, reprehensible turds, but at least it’s a democracy.”
I have this great fear that we’re going to end up with McCain as President, and days later we’ll hear that more voting machines were tampered with, more people were harassed and intimidated into not voting, and thousands more were bumped off the voter rolls. This shit is already happening, and it may get worse in the next two weeks…and by the time the truth comes out, it’ll be too late to do anything. Democrats can play dirty tricks too, but the Republicans are especially good at it. After all, McCain is guilty of paying people to fuck with voter registrations. That should tell you something about where we might be headed.
The debates were particularly challenging for me to monitor. First I tried running in and out of the room so I would only hear my guy. This worked until I knocked over a tray of hors d’oeuvres. “Sit down or get out!” my host demanded. “Okay,” I said, and took a seat, but I was more fidgety than a ten-year-old at temple. I just couldn’t watch without saying anything, and my running commentary, which mostly consisted of “Shut up, you prick!” or “You’re a fucking liar!!!” or “Go to hell, you cocksucker!” was way too distracting for the attendees, and finally I was asked to leave.
Oh, Critter and I were yelling things at the T.V. screen just like this. I think a lot of Americans were. “WHAT did he say? Is this dumbshit serious? Look at her! She’s reading from notecards! Oh, she did NOT just wink at us, that simpering twat!” That’s the only way to deal with some of the things coming out of those GOP mouths, it’s a simple self-defense measure. So it was great to see someone like Larry David come out and express those feelings. We’re all right with ya, Larry. I do have a glimmer of hope about the election, finally…I think we just might pull it off and break the GOP stranglehold on the country. But this crazy, frenzied time just before the big day is hell on the nerves!
Like OMG!!1! Miley Cyrus had, like, her 16th birthday party at Disneyland! With fireworks and candles and the princess castle and everything!!! And it was like a TOTAL surprise and stuff, OMG OMG!!!!@!!!
The theme park was closed for the supersized soiree, which included a four-song performance by the teen queen and a fireworks display above Sleeping Beauty Castle and 16 giant inflatable candles. …Organizers estimated over 5,000 people attended the special party, which cost $250 a ticket. On the event’s purple carpet — that’s Cyrus’ favorite color — the “Hannah Montana” star bragged that her parents bought her a new puppy for her birthday.
Does this make you want to puke your guts out or what? I wonder if, in her wise old age of 16, she’s figured out that she’s simply another of Disney’s products. That she’s not considered to be an actual person to them, but rather a cash cow manufactured from the ground up to make as much money as possible for the company. Essentially she’s a sophisticated singing, dancing, “acting” entertainment bot. God help her if she ever displays a human flaw or something…they’ll probably have her disassembled and wheeled away in a crate like the Ark of the Covenant.
In other news of the mind-bogglingly absurd, Miley Cyrus (a.k.a. Hannah Montana, Disney’s latest mass-marketed child entertainment product) is going to write her goddamn memoirs. Her MEMOIRS! She’s only 15 years old. What “life experiences” can she possibly write about? Her fame? Yawn. Her daddy’s ex-fame? Double-wide yawn. Following your dreams? Gimme a break. Does “following your dreams” mean being owned by a pimp with mouse ears? That sounds more like something that happens when your daddy, wallowing in the aftermath of his own short-lived success as country music’s laughingstock, sells his child to an evil corporation so that someone in the family can have a career. But if she says she’s following her dreams, whatever. Have a nice shelf life.
Critter really nailed it when he was telling me about this: “She’s gonna have a whole chapter about that really difficult time between the ages of 8 and 9.”
Is it me, or does the new Madonna single “4 Minutes” totally suck? It’s got Justin Timberlake’s fingerprints all over it, which means it sounds just like every other bit of mass-marketed twaddle out there. (It’s either twaddle or piffle, I can’t quite decide.) Blecchhh. Oh well, I guess it’s nice to see her team up with a black singer for a change.
Here’s a link to the single on iTunes in case you haven’t heard it yet. It’s only a 30-second clip, but that’s enough to put me off if this single if it’s an indication of what the rest of the album sounds like. It was produced by Timbaland, who is also producing about half the world’s bands at the moment…so it’s sure to have a unique sound. I can’t wait for the music reviews to start saying things like “The Material Girl has reinvented herself yet again!” Or has that started already?
I was surprised by how good her last album was, especially compared to the clumsy introspection on “American Life”, but this…ugh. And check out that cover! Christ on a cracker, Madonna! Whatever happened to “I’m older and wiser now, I’m above all that superficial stuff that ties me to this world, I’m a mature woman and I take full responsibility for how I behaved in my younger days when I was deluded by fame and sex and money”? Right out the window. She’s done an about-face (again) and now we’re back to “Wanna see my snatch? It’s right here, wrapped in leather. See it? Mmmmm, I wanna suckle your hard candy, baby!” Um, gross. No thanks, madam.