Note:  Stories for September-December are posted separately (as their own posts) since that’s when I moved from a hand-coded HTML website format to a blogging service.

Got an itty-bitty penis?  Drive a Hummer?  They go hand-in-hand, you know.  And now you can actually adorn yourself with the stench of Hummer, further enhancing the illusion that you actually have something down there worth speaking of.  That’s right, now they’re making their own cologne…spray it on and watch the chicks snicker!

Wow, a RNC email which went out to hundreds of volunteers contained all kinds of juicy personal information.  Is anyone surprised?  It’s just more sloppy handling of private data by the Bushies in charge.  Do you feel safer yet?

WHY in the world would the nation’s leading nutrition experts not recommend that we all eat less sugar?  Why??  What reason could there possibly be for this astounding omission?  Our country sucks down far too much sugar, any medical journal will tell you that (as well as watching sales & advertisements for sugar-based shitfood).  Our kids are eating it like there’s no tomorrow.  Everything is loaded with empty calories and carbohydrates with no nutritional value.  Why didn’t this panel recommend that we cut back on it?  And more importantly, which shitfood lobbyist group paid them the most money?

The marketing dorks just won’t stop until they achieve total saturation… Now they’re looking to increase the presence of advertisements in videogames. Sure, some games have little ads here or there, but they’re really looking to push them harder now.  Can’t we just enjoy our games, people? Do you have to soil every enjoyable activity with your marketing crapola? Shame on you.

Finally, GlaxoSmithKlineWhatever is bowing to pressure to put all of their drug data online, not just the stuff that makes them look good and sell more products.  Yes, some of their antidepressants do make people more suicidal.  Isn’t that lovely?  They feign innocence, but the most remarkable part of this story reads: A key to Spitzer’s case was an internal 1999 Glaxo document showed that the company intended to “manage the dissemination of data in order to minimize any potential negative commercial impact.” Does anyone still believe that these big pharmaceutical companies aren’t inherently evil?  When it comes to consumer safety and full disclosure, they rank right up there with the cigarette companies.

This guy has way too much time (and money) on his hands…he’s buying up dozens of Democrat-related web domains and pointing them all towards George Bush’s website.  Yeah, that’s gonna change peoples’ minds and hearts about how they want to vote.  These domains will all be useless after the election, regardless of who wins.  Happy spending, moron.

Oh, this is delicious… Dick Cheney’s daughter is a lesbian.  Now, most reasonable & understanding parents of gay sons & daughters find it difficult to support discrimination against them (not all, unfortunately).  Cheney is in the awkward position of having to support whatever arcane laws Bush wants to enact to uphold discrimination against homosexuals, but his daughter is gay…so he has to keep his own feelings about it private.  But the one time he speaks publicly against this stupid anti-marriage amendment, his own party roasts him alive. This is what happens when you align yourself with intolerant people and you decide to voice a differing opinion.  Too bad he’s too afraid to voice these principles more publicly, but it would create a division in the campaign so he’s mostly keeping it to himself.  Enjoy the heat, Dick.

So Bush finally bows to pressure by the Kerry camp and condemns certain ludicrous and vicious anti-Kerry ads.  But of course he took his sweet time, letting them trash and smear Kerry with their questionable “facts.” What good is your weak denouncement now, Dubya?  Nobody believes for one second that you’re against these ads…if you really cared, you would have spoken up right at the beginning.

Another story from the Dept. of Religious Claptrap.  So this little girl is deathly allergic to gluten, which is found in communion wafers.  Does the church allow a substitution?  Does the church make any effort to understand her problem?  Does the church stop to consider that maybe God doesn’t care what’s in the wafer, but rather is more interested in her desire to worship the best she can?  We’re dealing with religious rules manufactured by people in the name of God…if you don’t agree with Law #39X8473-B on page 845 of Volume IX of the Catalogue of Holy Laws and Stuff, you’re just plain out of luck…start packin’ your bags for Hell or Purgatory or wherever we think you’re going to go.  Why?  Because we said so.  Who has time for God when we’re busy following rules & regulations?  Now, kneel and open your pocketbook.  Good girl.

So Senator Kennedy was “accidentally” put on the federal no-fly list…twice.  Well, it seems to me that if this was some sort of accident, it wouldn’t have happened twice.  Maybe he really shouldn’t be flying…who knows?

Hooray for tax cuts!  Too bad we didn’t get one. Another burden for the rich to bear, I suppose.  How can you Bushies possibly vote for this kind of crap?

Heeeeerrrre we go again, another warning about the omnipresent Al-Qaeda threat.  Now they’re going to poison your medications, oh no!  What’s next, poisoning the popcorn butter at your local cinema?  Anyone can tamper with meds, it’s happened before (and not by terrorists).  Notice how they only warn that imported drugs could be affected…not U.S. manufactured ones.  Hmmm, isn’t it interesting that the FDA wants to keep cheaper versions of drugs out of the U.S. to protect our price-gouging pharmaceutical companies…and now we have this “warning” about poisoned imported drugs?  I think I smell…wait…is it?  Could it be…?  Yes, I think it is…the smell is unmistakable…  Good ol’ USDA Prime Government Bullshit, mmm-mmm!

Once again, people are turning to technology as a way to commune with God…and, as a result, further separating themselves from God. Now people are emailing prayers to temples and receiving text-message blessings on their cell phones, and they actually seem to think that this is going to bring them closer to the Divine.  I don’t care what version of God you worship, but if you can’t be bothered to sit quietly and actually give your chosen deity a moment of your time, maybe you ought to just drop your charade and admit that your religious convictions pretty much a fashion accessory.

Bush stuck a foot in his mouth yet again recently while commenting on tribal sovereignty.  “Tribal sovereignty means just that; it’s sovereign. You’re a — you’ve been given sovereignty, and you’re viewed as a sovereign entity.”  Oh, so we gracefully gave them sovereignty, hmmm?  That’s not how the American Indians view things…but we can’t expect Bush to actually know anything about what he’s commenting on. He’s just he President ‘n’ stuff.

I only found this little story on the BBC News, and (of course) on Michael Moore’s own site.  Isn’t that interesting? He’s got interview footage of newly-appointed CIA director Porter Gross admitting that he’s completely unqualified for a job with the CIA.  Seriously. Why aren’t more people reporting this?

Some people may disagree, but I think this is another case of the gay press overreacting to something that was probably just an off-the-cuff remark.  I don’t think NFL sportsbot Terrell Owens was actually calling homosexuals rats.  We’ve all heard the saying “If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck”, right?  And we’ve also heard the saying “I smell a rat!” as well. I think this guy was just getting his sayings mixed up.  But of course the gay press jumps on it and says he’s attacking gays by calling them rats.  Jesus, people, lighten up and stop trying to victimize the rest of us.

When are more Republicans going to come out of the closet and admit that the latest Iraq war was based on lies and distortion of facts?  This guy did, but only during the last days before he retires.  Sheesh.

This is amusing:  Bush recently had to sit through a sermon on the evils of material wealth. As a rich man with many, many ties to rich people who routinely pull his puppet strings, I’m sure he nodded his head in agreement many times while the minister spoke, pretending to agree with all that was said.  “Yeah, material wealth won’t get me into Heaven.  Yeah, I know it’s bad ‘n’ stuff.  MmmHmmm.  Amen to that!”  But his face probably had that blank, clueless stare which he wears so often.  In his head, “Steamboat Willy” was playing.  Mickey was whistlin’ and spinnin’ that ol’ wheel, and everything was just so happy and carefree.  “That Mickey!  What a hoot!  Didja see that!  Heh-heh, that boy just makes me giggle every time.  What?  Yeah, I’m listenin’.”

Further proof that popular country music is written for the lowest common denominator out there… Country-fried twit Charlie Daniels has basically called an entire group of people rag-heads with his song “This Ain’t No Rag, It’s A Flag.”  What a clever rhyme, hyuk-hyuk!  (This is from the same album which features a song called “What This World Needs Is A Few More Rednecks.”)  He delivers such deep, thoughtful lyrics as: “This ain’t no rag, it’s a flag and we don’t wear it on our heads.  It’s a symbol of the land where the good guys live.  Are you listening to what I said?” Yeah, I’m listening.  And what I’m hearing is the same old racism-sprinkled drivel that’s been oozing out of the country music scene since 9/11:  we’re the good guys who can do no wrong, all non-Americans are “bad guys”, and we’ll be painting the rest of the world with broad strokes for years to come, right?  ‘Cause we’re America, the center of the universe.  And his statements on this matter indicate that he just can’t understand how this attitude can be insulting and offensive…he claims to be targeting only certain people, but his lyrics say otherwise. Well, the world is filled with enough hate…please keep your inbred, xenophobic tripe to yourself, asshole.

Dear God, help us… We are truly in Disney Branding Hell. Now Disney is selling its own PC, complete with *shudder* mouse ears. Oh yeah, and content-filtering software so you parents out there can give Disney full control of what your kid can see.  That’s what Disney is here for, after all:  to entertain and control.  I wonder if they allow Disney-related pop-ups and banner ads…ya think?  On a fun side note, one of Fox’s crackpot hosts decided to ream Disney president Robert Iger about Disney’s “Gay Days” in the middle of an interview about this new PC (thanks to Alec for sending this one along!).

This is one of the cleverest activist-geek things I’ve seen in a long time.  This guy rigged his bicycle with a wireless-connected laptop and a homemade sign-writer for the sidewalk.  People can send him text messages which will then “print” out on the pavement like a giant dot-matrix printer.  Check out the original link for a photo.

What does the government do when a company which manufactures a popular AIDS drug decides to more than quadruple its price? Oh, nothing.  Why should they care?  It’s just people dying, that’s all.  They have more important things to worry about, like fighting a fictitious drug war and warning America about phantom terrorists lurking in the shadows.  Apparently, fear and corporate greed is more important than helping people live longer.

Anti-Bushies are having lots of fun with his latest dumbass remark. Yeah, he put his foot in his mouth yet again by saying exactly what he doesn’t mean, and we know he’s not really looking for more ways to harm our country.  Right?  Right??

A judge here in Seattle ruled the Defense of Marriage Act unconstitutional recently.  And, predictably, Christian Republicans are recoiling in horror.  One of them actually says, “For the judge and the judicial branch to discover a right which has never existed in human history, has no precedent in American law or jurisprudence … is to go out into unknown territory with unknown social consequences.”  Wait a minute…a right that “has never existed in human history”?  Well, marriage between men and women didn’t exist until we decided to start doing it, right?  What we’re dealing with here is a group of people who make all their decisions based on what a particular book says, not what is fair to their fellow humans.  In our so-called Land of the Free, discrimination of ANY kind is wrong…at least, we like to pretend it is.  But it’s as real as ever, and these people are happy with it as long as it suits their beliefs & agenda.

This is just too horrible for words… A supermarket catches fire, and employees lock the doors to keep people from escaping without paying first.  340 burn to death, many of which are found holding onto each other.  Things like this make me ashamed of my species sometimes.

Better watch out the next time you decide to eat a candy bar, ’cause you just might get thrown in jail for it.  We as vigilant Americans will NOT tolerate terrorist candy bar eaters.

OK, now this is downright terrifying:  gargantuan fat chicks stampeding into shops and intimidating the poor staff with their sheer girth while their cohorts shoplift.  Unbelievable.  I guess it’s time to start keeping a cattle prod behind the counter along with the pistol.

People still slam the French for whatever reason, but any country that decides to start clearing some of the crapfood out of its schools with broad strokes is all right with me.

OK, I know I keep saying that this or that is the stupidest use of technology I’ve ever seen, but I think this really is the stupidest (for now).  Toyota is rumored to be working on a car that can express emotions.  That’s right…so when someone cuts you off, you can “frown” at them with your car.  The very idea of such a mindless gimmick makes me frown…

This was on Drudge Report for only a couple of hours before it was yanked, and now I can’t find it on his website anywhere, even in the archives.  I’m glad I saved a copy so I could track down the original URL on the White House website again.  Anyway, this memo from Prez. Bush authorizes the sale of weapons to Iraq.  That’s right…we blew the living shit out of their country, installed a puppet government, and now we’re going to arm them.  Didn’t we sell arms to Saddam Hussein years ago before blowing the shit out of Iraq the first time?  Why, I think we did.  Even if we didn’t, why is it our job to do this sort of thing in the first place?  We shouldn’t be giving weapons to anyone, period (especially in the Middle East, considering all the militant groups which would love to get their hands on them).

What?  Our government is getting in the way of marijuana research?  You don’t say!  Yes, it’s been a long-standing policy of our government (no matter who is President) to ignore the suffering of millions of people and put up roadblocks in front of anything that might help them if it involves this little herb.  People still have this ignorant impression of marijuana as an evil plant from hell which will take over the world if it ever gets loose…oddly enough, I know lots of people who use it recreationally all the time and it doesn’t affect them in any adverse ways.  Funny how that works, isn’t it?  And while the government does grow a little bit for research purposes, it’s hopefully weak…that way they can say “See?  It has no medicinal value whatsoever!”  Well, no shit!  That’s like diluting a dose of cough syrup with a gallon of water hoping for some marvelous effect.  It ain’t gonna happen.

On another pot-smoking note, notice the hysterical alarm with which the national Drug Czar refers to our local “explosion” of potent marijuana (“BC bud”).  He makes it sound like people are rolling joints of crack cocaine up here.  But that’s his job:  fear and control.  Amusingly, the folks at Harborview Hospital (with whom he was visiting recently) contradict him by saying they’re more worried about abuse of alcohol and “all drugs” instead of focusing just on this herb.  Yes, alcohol…it’s a DRUG, Mr. Drug Czar.  It’s a commercially-available addiction which destroys far more people in this country than pot.  And it makes a lot of money, which is why it’s legal.  If you’re going to allow the sale of alcohol, which makes people violent and depressed (unlike pot, which just makes them relaxed and hungry), then something’s amiss.

Here’s a case of Republicans and Democrats being twits together in harmony.  When Gov. Ah-nuld called the Dems “girlie men“, the Dems completely overreacted and accused him of being homophobic and sexist.  Huh?  Arnold didn’t say the Dems were flaming, nelly, queeny, limp-wristed sissy faggots.  He essentially tried to call them wimps by using and old SNL joke which was based on a caricature of him.  Didn’t these knee-jerk Dems ever watch SNL in the 80’s?  Of course they did, and they got the joke, but they wanted to attack him back in a nastier way.  I’m not defending Arnold, but I think the Dems could have just accused him of using immature playground talk or something, not “sexist homophobia.”

Freedom of speech?  Yeah, we’ve got that.  Just don’t try to practice it anywhere near a pro-Bush rally, ’cause you might find yourself cuffed and harassed by police, like this couple did.  All they did was wear anti-Bush shirts (though I must admit their shirts’ slogan seems intended only to provoke).  Sure, they’re free now, and the charges have been dropped.  But the fact that they were harassed to begin with is outrageous.

So!  The Senate came to its senses and refused to amend the Constitution to discriminate against homosexuals who want to marry.  As expected, pro-discrimination Republicans are freaking out and vowing to bring it back to the table in the future in a sneakier way.  The very fact that über-conservative Rush Limbaugh is getting a divorce should convince these people that marriage isn’t the institution it used to be…but there is a group of people out there (homos like me) who have been denied the chance to marry their loved ones, and they take the right to marry very seriously.

This so-called artist named Jadakiss has a hit album right now, and the only reason he’s getting any attention appears to be that one of the songs blames Bush for the bombing of the WTC towers.  When asked to explain his position, he now says “it’s a metaphor” and he doesn’t really believe Bush is responsible.  A METAPHOR??  For what?  Does this twit even know what a metaphor is?  I don’t think so, according his comments:  “Bush should take the blame for the terrorist attack because his administration didn’t do enough to stop it.”  So…where does the metaphor part come in?  What does this or that represent?  Come on, Mr. Sudden Literary Device.  Let’s hear you rap an explanation to defend your obvious cheap publicity stunt.

Just when we think we’ve seen the stupidest that the right wing has to offer, from the childish Freedom Fries to the staggeringly simple-minded patriotic ice cream, they somehow manage to pull something completely new and insulting out of their ass in the name of freedom and patriotism (oh yeah, and profit).  Now we’re faced with patriotic ketchup.  That’s right…ketchup.  All-American ketchup.  Made in the U.S.A.  Hooray…finally we have an alternative to the tyrannical Heinz brand.  It’s called “W Ketchup” of all things.  The company swears that the “W” stands for “Washington.”  Yeah, sure it does, whatever you say.  Are you people finished making fools of yourselves yet?

Oh, no!  Homeland Security guru Tom Ridge just gave us another warning about some sort of terror!  It’s going to happen somewhere in America at an unspecified date and time.  Probably.  He don’t know what it is, but it’s going to happen one way or another.  Most likely.  So stay afraid, America!  Never relax!  Never feel safe again, because Tom and the Ministry of Fear want you on edge at all hours of the day…you know, just in case.

In another amusing display of unnecessary religious idiocy, the spiritual and financial vampires at the Trinity Broadcasting Network are producing a Christian-themed version of “American Idol” with the glorious title of “Gifted.”  That’s right, it will feature many performances of easy-to-digest, amply clothed, cheap-sounding, sugarcoated gospel music by pure virgin singers who will compete against each other for a recording contract to produce more easy-to-digest, cheap-sounding, sugarcoated gospel music.  Those with critical thinking skills or independent religious viewpoints need not apply.

This is a fairly well-known fact by now, but it’s still fun to read about.  Michael Moore is infamous for massaging data, rearranging video clips, and pulling questionable information from the Internet in order to make a convincing case against whatever target he’s after.  He just can’t be trusted to give us the raw facts, because there’s a good chance they have been skewed in one way or another to fit his agenda.  That’s why I wasn’t surprised to find out that Moore edited out a bit of an interview with rep. Mark Kennedy, who gave Moore an answer he wasn’t expecting.  The scene is much funnier without his answer, but it also changes the scene in a way that makes Moore look like the blowhard he can be.  Take him with a grain of salt, folks.

I am stunned.  There is actually a company which will beam your personal message into space (for a fee, of course) as a kind of voicemail to the Great Beyond.  People are actually using this service as a way to “say goodbye” to loved ones who have died.  Some are gaining “closure” by broadcasting their one-minute message into space.  This is so ludicrous, I almost don’t know what to say (almost).  We’re dealing with radio waves, people…they travel through space for eons.  Why would you send a voicemail to a dead relative with radio waves?  Is Heaven on a planet on the other side of the universe?  That’s where your message is going, so I hope someone is there to receive it.  And has the technology to make the waves audible.  And understands your language.  And…  I do understand the emotional side, and the need to have one last word with someone who has died, but this just seems silly.  (On a side note, it’s interesting to see how many people perceive God and Heaven as far away, in another physical place “up there,” separate from us.  It’s no wonder so many people feel detached from God and their dearly departed.)

Are you aware of how much data the marketing folks have collected about your kids?  They have a complete profile of them, and are using it in sinister ways.  This story is a real eye-opener, but I don’t think people really care enough about their kids’ privacy to make any changes.  We’re Americans, dammit, and as long as it doesn’t affect our shopping time or interrupt the ball game, let those marketing folks do whatever they want.

Anyone who watches television can tell you that sitcom dads (and those in most commercials) are bumbling, incompetent morons who rely on their wives and smart-assed, borderline hateful kids to keep them in line.  I noticed this 10 years ago and even spent a few months documenting every instance I saw, just for fun (yes, I was bored).  This guy wrote a great commentary about this pointless phenomenon.  It’s true, and there is no reason for it anymore.  Yes, I know there was bound to be a backlash after all the years of sitcom dads in the 50’s and 60’s being know-it-alls while the moms were obedient kitchen-dwellers…but the stuff we’ve been seeing in the past few years borders on the abusive.  Stereotypes against women are wrong, and so are stereotypes against men.  We’re not all clueless idiots who can’t function without a woman around to correct us, thank you very much, and we resent that kind of blanket portrayal on television.  It’s time to move on.

In their latest absurd effort to scare the living hell out of us and never give us a worry-free moment (without providing any specific details as to why), the Bush folks actually tried to convince us that portable beer coolers are the new tools of terror.  That’s right…a beer cooler near you could be housing a nuclear device that will level the entire city.  Then again, maybe not.  But it MIGHT!!  It’s the silliest hunk of terror-related bullshit to come out of this administration yet.

A new survey from Japan finds that its kids are addicted to their cell phones nowadays, so much that some can’t even sleep without it close by.  I’m sure it’s not just in Japan…most kids I see walking around are clutching a cell phone or yakking on one.  I must admit that I like having one handy, but when it becomes an addiction and I can’t function without one nearby, an intervention may be necessary.

Oh my GOD.  The Bible Diet??  Are these people kidding?  I know they’re not, but still…it sounds like a very bad joke.  But they’re completely serious.  “We’re going to teach you how to eat like they did in the Garden of Eden!”  The trouble is, the details of this diet appear to be identical to those of many vegan diets already in print.  So the religious angle is purely a gimmick to make people feel like they are participating in some sort of God-sanctioned health plan.  These people sure know how to market to a gullible demographic.

Another sign that people really just need to relax a little… When a T.V. show in Australia manages to depict a slice of reality that some people can’t handle (a girl with two mothers), people freak out as if they’ve never heard of such a thing.  Look…we’re not dealing with scenes of steamy lesbian sex and home fertilization with a turkey baster.  We’re talking about the very real situation where a child has two parents of the same sex.  Whether or not your narrow little mind can fathom it, this happens all the time and it’s real.  The kids turn out fine.  Grow up and deal with it.