It’s fascinating how Christmastime always brings some sort of backlash from people. Some think it’s too commercial and long for the “good old days” of a simpler holiday, some think it detracts from the Jesus thing, and others just plain hate Christmas from all angles and can’t wait for it to pass. Whatever the case may be, we’re guaranteed some fun stories in the news! Here are a few I’ve seen recently that gave me an evil chuckle.
- The “Santa Claus Hates You” T-Shirt. This is hilarious — it’s lowbrow humor, especially with the gesture Santa’s making, but I love the fact that this Urban Outfitters shirt is upsetting people. It’s probably causing concerned parents to recoil in horror. Strangely, I couldn’t find it for sale on their website, but I did find a “Kwanzaa is Kwazy” shirt. Isn’t anyone going to protest that?
- Some guy in Bremerton (just a short ferry ride from Seattle) nailed Santa to a cross to protest the holiday’s commercialism. He also sent out holiday cards that feature a picture of his handiwork and the title “Santa died for your MasterCard.” Brilliant! But the best part of the story is the last bit: “He created it by stuffing a Santa suit and borrowing the head off a motion-activated Santa that dances and sings Christmas carols. The headless dancing Santa now carries a knife and sings and dances on Conrad’s front porch.” God, I wish I could see that. Anyway, he says people are too afraid to express their feelings about what Christmas has become because they’re too worried about hurting other people’s feelings. I agree — say what you think, and those offended can just go back to the mall where they belong.
- This is kind of cruel, but I got such a kick out of it. Canada Post has a program where kids can write letters to Santa and actually get a reply…from thousands of volunteers who take the time to write as Santa. Well, one Bad Santa out there has been sending kids letters with “nasty and obscene postscripts.” Canada Post has shut the program down for a few days until they can ferret out the “rogue elf” (as they called him) who’s responsible. They didn’t say what was in the letters, but it caused more than a little confusion for some unlucky tots. I imagine questions like “Mommy, why did Santa call me a greedy little bastard?” came up quite a bit. The last part of the story describes how one kid’s Christmas spirit was destroyed by one of these letters. “Now he says there isn’t really a Santa,” says his mom. Ouch. Welcome to the reality of our messed-up world, kid.
- Oh, how Christmas brings out the crazy in some people! Every year there’s a “must-have” toy, and someone always uses it for some sort of demonization. I recall bashing Tickle Me Elmo quite a bit, after all — and who wouldn’t? But over at Alter.net, some foamy-mouthed überhippy (who probably wears those greasy white-girl dreadlocks) is attacking the Nintendo Wii as the toy which will kill Mother Earth, among other things. Seriously. She calls it a “consumer electronics death monster” and “a toy you’ll throw away without thinking, consigning it to an unknowable half-life as indigestible silicon shards.” Yikes, sounds like someone didn’t get the toy she wanted as a child, hmmm? Maybe we should all pitch in and buy this chick some counseling, what do you think? Here, taste the madness:
I want a media device that’s wrapped in so many layers of plastic and nonrecyclable material that the very act of opening it is like smashing my carbon footprint onto the face of Mother Earth. I want a useless gizmo mass-produced by machines that stole jobs from nonunionized workers who stole jobs from the natives. In short, I want a Nintendo Wii.
It’s the biggest-selling video game console ever, and it’s made from so much biosphere-destroying garbage that I’ll be scrubbing methane out of the air for the rest of my life to make up for even thinking about owning one. Plus, Wii controllers are motion sensitive, which means they strap onto your body. Every time I use my Wii — which, I would like to underscore, I do not yet own — I will be turning myself into a literal extension of my machine.
Do you hear that, hippies? I want to strap electronics to my body and trance out to violent imagery while I wave my arms around, killing imaginary things. That’s what I want to do for the holidays.