Pucker Up

I got this spam a few months ago and almost deleted it, but I thought it might be worthy of ridicule someday.  It’s very simple…a webhosting company sent its sales-slaves out trolling for new clients.  Their mission:  take a casual trip through a potential client’s website and send them an email complimenting them on its design in hopes of convincing them to switch services.  Note how he unexcitedly runs through a laundry of list of my Nina Hagen site’s basic features before launching into the sales pitch.  It’s amusing, and also a bit pathetic…imagine being one of these guys who has to write up hokey emails to complete strangers and try to sound convincingly impressed.  I realize that the marketing biz is all about survival of the fittest, but at the cost of personal dignity?  “Wow, the colors on your site are amazing!  And the menus…I mean, wow.  The navigation is just — and I mean this, now — magnificent.  May I kiss your ass, sir?  Please?  I really want to.  Let me just nuzzle up between those cheeks and plant a big fat slobbery one right where it counts, because I’ll do anything to service the account, absolutely anything!”

Date: Sat, 9 Aug 2003 13:14:45 +0530 (IST)
From: tjoshua@addr.com
To: xxxxxxx@ninahagenshrine.com
Subject: Comments on your website ‘ Nina Hagen Electronic Shrine ‘

Hello,

I visited your website Nina Hagen Electronic Shrine. The content, design and ease of navigation are top-shelf and it is obvious how much thought and work went into its development. This site is an effective medium to promote your services. This site is a comprehensive fan site featuring song clips, photos, lyrics, videos, stories of Nina sightings, links and mailing list information. The concert tours are well presented on the site. I liked the various lyrics given on the site. The content and layout of the site is fabulous. The black and blue color combinations used on the site make it all the more attractive. I appreciate your efforts that has resulted in this well made website. In this context I feel that the following offer would be of considerable interest to you.

I work in the marketing department of ADDR.COM (ADDR.COM is a professional web hosting and web design provider currently servicing over 60,000 customers) and if you would be interested in trying our services, I can offer you a full year of hosting for your site http://www.totalobscurity.com/nina/ completely free of charge.

[More marketing crapola snipped]

Thanks!

With Best regards,
Terrence Joshua
tjoshua@addr.com
http://www.addr.com

Sorry, “Terrence”, your silly and transparent email wasn’t enough to make me leave the fabulous Lunarpages for your company, even for a year’s worth of free hosting.  Maybe if you pucker up a bit more next time…

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