Dining Changes Upset Wash. Lawmakers
Tragedy strikes! Due to renovations at the WA Capitol, the Senators are being forced to bring themselves down to the level of common folk and EAT THE SAME FOOD WE DO! This is an outrage. Senators, by nature, are far superior beings to you and I. They absolutely deserve the deluxe cuisine served up by Jean-Pierre and Kerri Simon, as well as the privacy of their own company, far from the stench of us, the heathen public. Well, on behalf of the unwashed masses out there, I would like to offer my services. There is a McDonald’s only two blocks from my home here in the Wallingford area of Seattle, and I would be glad to seat and serve each one of these whining, quibbling assbiters a triple Big Mac with extra bacon fat for their trouble. Truly, it would be my honor.
Study: Mobile Phone Users Worse Than Drunk Drivers
I just cannot disagree with this. I have seen people with cell phones weave and jerk their cars around, completely oblivious to the danger they pose to those around them, and part of me wants to just ram them into a utility pole and get it over with. But I’m trying to cut down on that sort of thing.
Al Gore Shaves Off Beard
Why is this in the news? Why? Was there nothing more important happening in the world? No stories about beached whales or kittens trapped in trees? Or maybe our military didn’t kill enough civilians in Afghanistan to make a good story, who knows. But the on/off status of Al Gore’s beard should NOT be considered news by any media with integrity, ever!
Geneseo woman gets caught up in news vending machine
Oh, what a shining example of people going out of their way to help others! An old woman gets caught in a newspaper machine, and the idiot Wal-Mart employees won’t even pitch in a couple of quarters to help her get out because it’s not Wal-Mart policy to “tamper with the machines”. Wow, this gives me such incredible faith in the power of the human spirit to overcome such daunting challenges (like parting with two quarters) when another person is in need of help. BOOT TO THE HEAD!
Fans boo Britney at première
Yes, Britney should have done more than jump from her car into the theater and back again. Many stars at least let their fans see them for more than half a second. But come on, people…let’s not place so much value on the rich and famous. I mean, really. Flying to London all the way from South Africa just to see a tarted-up little girl in her first (and not very impressive) movie? Standing in line for six hours hoping to catch a glimpse of this shining, godlike person? Please. The parents of these kids ought to teach them that these are just people, not superheroes. Oh well, maybe this little (non)event did the job for them.
Yahoo users fume over “spam” switch
If you have a Yahoo profile (not just e-mail), you have just been “volunteered” to receive spam through e-mail, regular mail, and phone. Yahoo recently added a “marketing preferences” screen with many options for receiving junk mail, and they all DEFAULTED TO YES. That’s right, they made your decision for you. So run, not walk, to your Yahoo profile and set these options to NO! This is absolutely ridiculous and Yahoo should be ashamed.
Shoulder to shoulder, Blair and Bush nominated for peace prize
Um, what? Peace prize? What? Hello? I thought this story mentioned something about awarding peace prizes to people currently bombing the living shit out of other countries. Must have been a severe (yet temporary) case of Dyslexia or Brainfartosis on my part, because surely the idea of peace prizes being awarded to warmakers would never arise in any acceptable version of reality. Maybe I’ll read the story again to reassure myself.
Under fire, NBC says to halt liquor ads
Oh, this is a scream! First, they agreed to advertise hard liquor as long as it didn’t claim to “enhance anyone’s attractiveness, personal relationships or sexual prowess.” What?? That’s the whole CORE of advertising! That’s what every single ad is based on: making you feel that you’re nothing unless you own the product. You’ll be faster, sexier, younger, slimmer, etc. if only you drink this or wear that or drive this other thing. It’s 100% bullshit, but it works because people are basically Consumer Cattle and they’ll believe anything they’re told. So how they managed to come up with ads that sold JUST the drink and nothing else is beyond me. But now they’re not showing the ads anymore because people are protesting. But WHAT are they protesting? If these ads are only selling the product and not some sort of life enhancement, what’s wrong? I know, people try to say it’s about The Children™ and how liquor ads influence them, and all that stuff about liver damage, blah-blah-blah. But we all know it’s really because the beer guys don’t want anyone cutting in on their action. “Wrecking peoples’ health and lives is OUR territory, dammit!” They want full control over T.V.’s most heavily-promoted drug, and I’m sure they’ve threatened to break a few kneecaps over the matter if NBC didn’t stop running these ads for their competition. Ahhh, the power of alcohol and the money which promotes it.
Americans divided on holiday – Petitions are being circulated, but no legislation pending
OK, now we’ve officially gone too far. A national holiday to commemorate 9/11? Excuse me, but do we really NEED a holiday for innocent people who died through no fault of their own? I thought we awarded holidays to people who marched off to die for their country, or great people who helped shape our country. I don’t mean to sound cold, but if we make this a national holiday, will we be doing the same for earthquake victims next? Sure, this will make people feel good, and it’s backed by the whole “We will never forget!” sentiment, but come on. We don’t need a holiday to remember this event, because it has been burned into our history forever by its sheer magnitude and the impact it has had on our society. We don’t want it to become just another day off from work and an excuse to have blowout sales on beer and mattresses, which is exactly what happned to Memorial Day and the 4th of July — once-important holidays, now devalued and meaningless to the vast majority of the public. Do we really need another one of those?
Quieting the homefront
This is sheer entertainment, and it was totally predictable. The moment someone in our government publicly expresses doubt about this whole war thing in Afghanistan, the Republicans (like the well-trained military worshipping robots they are) have simultaneous conniptions and declare the naysayer a Blasphemer and an agent of the enemy. Now, what better (and cowardly) way to defend your agenda than to viciously attack those who disagree and attempt to associate them with the people who killed thousands in New York? It’s a typical knee-jerk reaction and goes beyond pathetic or childish. These people ought to be ashamed of themselves for trying to stamp out contrary opinions in order to keep their approval ratings high and their military budgets in place. It’s a sad day when you can’t express your opinion without being slandered and threatened by your colleagues. I’m no supporter of Democrats either, but I know when someone’s being an asshole…and these Repugnican politicians fit the bill.
A continuation of the above story, where Tom Daschle is verbally crucified by right-wing nutballs for his mild criticism of the war. It’s astonishing, but expected. Personally, I was a little worried about what some people might think of my own opinions on this subject, especially with the Flag-O-Rama kind of humor, and I have yet to get a nasty e-mail from someone who thinks I’m a “sympathizer” or oughta be hung for “anti-American sentiments”, even though I fully expected to get at least a few. I know that people like that are out there…maybe they haven’t seen the page yet. 🙂
Man says he killed to avoid being outed
Oh, lovely. Another product of the archaic idea that homosexuals are evil, unnatural, and not worthy of living. We have questionable religious teachings and millions of ignorant parents to thank for this. I hope you’re happy.
In Times of Terror, Teens Talk the Talk
I’m sorry… I know they’re teens, but they don’t realize how silly they sound. “Osama your mama!” “It was, like, total Jihad!” Oh GOD that sounds ridiculous. Embarrassingly ridiculous. When I was in high school, the Challenger blew up and everyone was horrified…but we didn’t go around saying “I’m so hung over, I need a new O-Ring” or “I just Challengered that test!” Yes, sometimes it’s possible to take a negative thing and use it in everyday language to soften its impact, but come on. Sometimes it’s just tasteless, or in this case, silly. (Am I being a grumpy old man? Probably.)
The Chris Matthews Hardball-in-Mouth Apology Tour
Ahhh, there’s nothing more entertaining than watching members of the press attack each other. Matthews’ comments about Ted Koppel and Jim Lehrer are right on the money, by the way. Koppel has had it too good for too long, and Jim Lehrer’s show is about as interesting as the average doorknob. The truth hurts, doesn’t it?