Couple auctioning off naming rights for new baby boy
This is just horrifying! Once again, American greed rears its ugly head. These people are willing to sell their baby’s very IDENTITY to a corporation in hopes they’ll get rich from it. But why stop at Pepsi or Frito? I’d like to see a kid named Excedrin. Or Anusol. “Hey, Vagisil! How ya doin?” Well, why not? If these dignity-free folks want to name their baby after a company or product, they need to get more creative than Pepsi. They’re already setting their child up for massive tauntings and beatings all throughout school, so let’s go all the way. “McNugget for Class President!” I like the sound of that.
U.K. network to air anti-gay series
Oh great, a 10-part series on a completely nonsensical subject: changing gay people into good old-fashioned Christian virgins. Yeah, whatever. I will never understand how some people can possibly believe that homosexuality is a choice. If it’s just a choice, I want to see one of these people turn gay for a day. That’s right, you just flip your Sexual Orientation Switch over to “Homo” for a day and we’ll have some fun! Mainstream gay culture is SO interesting. I’ll take you to a couple of hypercommercialized Pride parades populated by ugly drag queens and mindless muscleheads…then I’ll take you to a hairdresser so you can get some blonde highlights. Next, we’ll swing by Kenneth Cole for some outrageously overpriced clothing (or The Gap, if that’s more your thing), and finally we’ll hit a few seedy dance clubs for some expensive drinks and bad electronica music. And tomorrow morning we’ll switch you back to Normal before anyone finds out. If it’s that easy to switch, why not? (You can tell I’m not so enamored with “mainstream” gay culture, so I had to get a few digs in about that as well. Sorry!)
Boy Scouts Toss Fossilized Find Into Reservoir
I could slam the entire Boy Scouts organization for this, but that would be too easy. They’re slamworthy on many other topics, however. This is mostly to be blamed on the scout leader who wasn’t watching what the little brats were doing to these fossils. The organization said that it will “review its policies to avoid vandalism in the future”…wow, I didn’t know an actual policy was needed in order to teach kids to respect 190-million-year-old fossils. Silly me.
Philip Morris Issues Apology for Czech Report
Wow, look at the Cancer Companies backtrack on this one! I haven’t seen this much public “regret” since Jerry Falwell unleashed a Niagra Falls of tears on television years ago. “Ah am a sinner!” Yeah, well the Cancer Companies do these studies about death and profits all the time…how can they not? When you’re selling death and ill health as a product, studies like this are necessary. It’s shocking, but is it really so surprising? Canceled Czechs, indeed.
Hindus Hound Bush Over America’s First Cat
You know, some people are out there just looking for something, anything, to offend them. They’re taking life WAY too seriously. Can you even believe this story? Read it and see if you’re not just shaking your head in disbelief by the time you’re through. I really don’t care for our president, but I also don’t care what this Bush names his pussy.
– Coming Soon: Individually Wrapped Slices of Peanut Butter
– Heinz Unveils Purple – Ketchup in Bid for Kids
Remarkable! Another victory for American ingenuity. It’s no wonder we lead the world in technological advances…our best and brightest minds are hard at work 24 hours a day coming up with amazingly life-enhancing inventions like these. How would we ever manage without sliced peanut butter? I know MY life will be much easier. And that purple ketchup will make my hamburgers and fries soooo much more…well, purple. Thank God for our American know-how! Geez, can you imagine being a reporter assigned to one of these stories? Talk about the absolute low point of your career!
Queen’s Husband Upsets Boy in ‘Fat’ Remark
Ah, the arrogance of royalty. Someone needs to drag this guy into a few tact seminars, because he apparently has quite a history of saying stupid things to people. Some will argue that he doesn’t really mean those things, that they just come out the wrong way. Uh-huh. So why did he directly insult this kid about his weight? That’s just mean. Of course, I speak from personal experience, so I’m biased. When I was in the sixth grade and a bit pudgy, a stage magician told me that I need to lay off the peanut butter sandwiches. He said this in front of the ENTIRE SCHOOL. (Fortunately, I managed to spoil a couple of his tricks which made him look like a sham. Heh.) So yes, I know how humiliated this kid must feel to be told by the Royal Frump that he’s too fat to be an astronaut. But he’s got the right attitude…he’s trying to laugh it off. Sometimes that’s all you gotta do.
Civil Rights Leader: Dan Rather Slurred Blacks with Chandra Comments
OK, let me get this straight… Some civil-rights group is more concerned about Dan Rather’s use of the term “got the Buckwheats” than his outright censorship of a major news story. People! Dan Rather CENSORED the Chandra Levy/Gary Condit story from his show for almost two months!! This is a major news figure withholding information from the public…even though we can get our news elsewhere (I know I do), this is still wrong-wrong-wrong considering the large number of people who rely on this dork for their news, and it spotlights his alarming political bias. Dan Rather is scum. But what are people more angry about? The “racist slur” of course, which is only racist if you try hard enough to make it so. This means that some people are OK with major media figures lying to them, as long as they don’t make any “racist” remarks. Why am I surprised?
Water balloon hijinks result in assault charge
Pardon my French, but…holy shit! These school officials really need to lighten up. Sure, a teacher got smacked by a water balloon. It happens in schools all the time, it’s just part of life. It’s not the most pleasant thing in the world, but calling it “assault with a weapon” is going way too far. So she got wet, big deal. And maybe some kids laughed at her. Did the water ruin her blouse or something? Was her ego bruised beyond all repair? What?? I’ve got to know what permanent trauma this “incident” caused. Whatever happened to detention or being suspended for a few days? Geez.
House Republicans Criticize Red-Light Cameras
I don’t really have a problem with these, I mean it’s the people who run red lights who get people killed. These impatient idiots can’t stop a minute for a red light. So if some asshole zooms through an intersection equipped with cameras and ends up with a $300 fine, screw ’em! If someone’s going to take that big a chance on killing someone, I really don’t care how much they whine about getting their picture taken. And all this crap about it being an “invasion of privacy” is absolute nonsense…you may be driving your own car, but it has windows and you’re in a public place where people can see you. How private is that? If you’re THAT concerned about privacy, get some blinds for your car windows and close them. Or just take the bus. And yes, they’re another revenue-generating tool for the city, but if it means that a bunch of impatient, lead-footed drivers who can’t slow down for a stop light are going to get fined for taking unnecessary chances with the lives of others, I really don’t care. But what about the speeder cameras, you may ask? Well, I think those ones are pointless. Everyone speeds, but not everyone is so stupid as to run a red light…those people kill more people than speeders, from what I’ve read. So the red light cams are more practical.
Burger King recalls 2.6 million toys
“We guard the safety and well-being of our customers very seriously,” said Burger King spokesman Chris Clouser. HAHAHAHAHA! Ohhhh, that’s rich. It really is. You care so much about them that you sell 100% CRAP to them. You’re sooooooo concerned about their welfare, uh-huh. You’d rather kill them slowly with your “food” than kill them immediately with toys. This is the McDonald’s strategy: keep them alive long enough to remain customers for years to come…and by the time they’re dying of heart disease and cancer, their kids will already be loyal customers. Come to think of it, the tobacco companies do the same exact thing. Is anyone getting the impression that I don’t like these people?
The rigged missile defense test
That’s right, we’ve all been lied to by the military (and Bush) again. That “successful” missile defense test was only successful because the missile was rigged with a global positioning unit which told the ground station where it was. Of course, this isn’t being reported by the media at all from what I’ve seen. I had to find this story in Salon Magazine of all places… So Bush’s defense system looks like a great success to the public, and they’ll proceed to spend billions of our dollars on it. Isn’t that comforting? It’s typical military lunacy.
Ichiro dolls at center of ticket scam
This story is interesting on two levels: 1) the depths people will sink to in order to make money, which includes using the homeless as pawns, and 2) the many flavors of utter madness which oozes from the sports world. Imagine! These people were so intent on getting extra Ichiro dolls to sell on eBay that they manipulated the homeless into giving them their free dolls as they entered the stadium. They even bought these people game tickets in order to get their greedy hands on the dolls. How pathetic is that?
Kids More Spoiled Than Decade Ago
OK everybody, say it with me… “Well, DUH!!!” And that’s all that needs to be said on that subject.
Canada Lets Terminally Ill Grow, Smoke Marijuana
Finally, someone is thinking sensibly on this subject! I guess some officials in Canada realize that at some point, you need to put quality of life before your “moral issues”. If someone is suffering and/or dying and they find that a certain plant or substance helps alleviate the pain or bring back their appetite, whose business is it of anyone to tell them they can’t use it? And SHAME on you selfish doctors who have problems with this! The ONLY reason you protest is because you’re losing business to an herb. Well, tough shit. Relief from suffering isn’t always found in the chemicals and pills that you make so much money from. Get over it.