The Jesus Shoe cometh

 Holy Shit! (Religion)
Aug 262012
 

This is so stupendously crazy, I think I’m officially a fan!  This guy is convinced that Nike is evil because it celebrates a pagan goddess.  He wants to sell a Jesus shoe instead.   Oh, it goes on and on.  It looks like a joke, but if you read through the whole thing you’ll see that it’s definitely real and the product of a mind which is a few sandwiches short of a picnic.  It’s fantastic.

I asked God to confirm that He wanted me to do the JESUS shoe for Love Sportswear.God told me to go to His Word without looking and place my pen down without looking.When I looked, it was on one Name… “Lord”… found in 1 Thessalonians 4:15…According to the Lords own word, we tell you that we who are still alive, who are left till the coming of the Lord, will certainly not precede those who have fallen asleep.

I thought it was interesting that God confirmed it that way since Nike did a poster called “The Second Coming”…A poster in which the players are looking AWAY from the light behind them… if that light is to make us think of Christ…It is insulting Jesus Christ by having them uninterested in His return!

My name is Charles Hubbard. If you think I am the Leader of Christians Against Nike… you would be wrong. JESUS IS THE LEADER OF CHRISTIANS AGAINST NIKE!

via Christians Against Nike: We Honor God Above The Goddess Nike!

Be blurry, foul temptresses!

 Holy Shit! (Religion)
Aug 152012
 

Damn those women and their evil, tantalizing ways!  Our only option is to block the image of their filthy boobs with blurry glasses.  No, really.

An ultra-Orthodox organization has developed a range of products to act as a first line of defense against the threat of seeing immodest women, Israeli media reported on Tuesday.

In a change of tactics from previous ultra-Orthodox strategies that in the past have targeted women as the culprits of lasciviousness, the Committee for Purity in the Camp offers a variety of gadgets to limit the field of view and so prevent men from exposure to over-exposed women. The devices have recently gone on sale in ultra-Orthodox neighborhoods of Jerusalem and elsewhere.

Two semi-transparent stickers applied to the lenses of the user’s spectacles blur vision of anything beyond the range of a few meters and so diffuse immodestly dressed women to a harmless blot.

Determined to provide a solution for everyone, the committee also offers non-prescription glasses at NIS 130 $32.50. Those who are blessed with good vision and don’t require corrective glasses can buy a pair and then apply the stickers to the lenses, reducing their vision to a safe blur.

The organization also offers head scarfs that extend over the eyes for added protection against concupiscence.

via The Times of Israel

But wait, why not take this to its logical conclusion and just wear a blindfold everywhere?  Grab a cane and tap your way through life without ever having to worry about seeing an uncovered leg, a boob, or a luscious pair of lips.  Or here’s a radical idea:  accept the fact that sexual thoughts are natural and biological, and not the product of an evil force (women) trying to tempt you into acts of pure evil.  They may not be directly blaming women with these glasses, but the idea is still there.

Anal tattoos: the hot new thing for trendy assholes

 Fun Stuff
Aug 142012
 

Seriously.

As you can see in the video, expo celebrity psychic Jill Dahne claims through her sooth-saying powers that the asshole tat is going to be the next big thing.

So you may want to get a jump on it and get on this trend before all your friends do. So you can be all, “I got an asshole tattoo before it was cool, bro.”

And, according to the girl getting her own tattoo in the video, having a needle jabbing your rectum over and over again feels REALLY, REALLY GOOD!

via The Daily Pulp

Yeah, well…I’m having my entire colon tattooed.  I’m thinking maybe Celtic knotwork, or perhaps a unicorn and rainbow.  How about My Little Pony?  That would be sooooo cute!

Natural wonders = God’s handiwork!

 Fun Stuff, Holy Shit! (Religion)
Jul 082012
 

You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.  The famous Giant’s Causeway might have been specially sculpted by God Almighty just for us to enjoy?  Just how much craic are these people smoking over there in Ireland?

The National Trust has defended its decision to include references to creationist theory at a new state-of-the-art visitors’ centre at the Giant’s Causeway in Northern Ireland.

The move was hailed by a christian group which said the gesture “both respects and acknowledges an alternative viewpoint” on the origins of the earth.

But after facing criticism for including theories that the planet is only 6,000 years old, the Trust said it had merely acknowledged the presence of such views and was committed to scientific evidence on the origins of the Causeway.

The issue of including creationist theories has sparked controversy in the past in Northern Ireland, when prominent members of the Democratic Unionist Party at Stormont lobbied for museums to include such opinions.

The Causeway is a Unesco World Heritage Site and features more than 40,000 interlocking basalt columns formed millions of years ago by volcanic activity.

via guardian.co.uk

Yes, this otherworldly being who created an entire universe of incomprehensible vastness and all it contains also stopped by Earth to make some funky rocks specifically for our appreciation.  Makes sense to me!  But why stop there?  There are “alternative” explanations for several amazing natural wonders.  Here, allow me to illustrate.


Maybe the Grand Canyon was created when God stamped his foot in anger.
Hey, IT COULD HAPPEN!


Maybe the spires of Capadocia are actually giant aphid eggs that never hatched.
Oh yeah?  PROVE THEY AREN’T!



Maybe the mesas of Monument Valley were created by massive sandworms which poked the rocks up with their giant heads.  Sure, maybe not…but HOW CAN YOU KNOW??


Maybe the hole in Arizona’s Window Rock is really the wedding ring of the goddess Bakalakadaka who accidentally dropped it down the cosmic drain and it ended up here frozen in time forever?  SOUNDS LEGIT TO ME!

Heart Attack Grill claims its first victim mid-burger

 General Blatherings, Unfuckingbelievable!
Feb 212012
 

Holy shit!  A burger restaurant named Heart Attack Grill–which advertises to our fattest, most disgusting and depressing citizens (even giving them free food if they weigh over 300 pounds)–has actually KILLED someone with its food.  Dead.  Right there in the fucking restaurant.  Is this awesome or what?  It’s like watching the American dream come to life right before our eyes!  And how appropriate that Fox News was there on the scene.

LAS VEGAS FOX5 -A man suffered a heart attack at a restaurant known for glorifying bad eating habits. The ‘Heart Attack Grill’ lived up to its name Saturday night.

Amateur video of the man being wheeled out of the restaurant by EMTs was posted to several websites.

“He was having the sweats and shaking,” said ‘Nurse’ Bridgett, who was working at the restaurant when the man in his 40s began experiencing chest pains.

“Doctor” Jon Basso, who opened the infamous restaurant in October, told FOX5 at first he thought it was a joke.

“One of the nurses came back to me and said, ‘Dr. Jon, we’ve got a patient who’s in trouble.’”

The restaurant is known for not holding back on the food it serves. The menu includes items like Flatliner Fries, and Bypass Burgers. A meal can easily exceed 8,000 calories.

The gentleman who suffered the heart attack was in the middle of eating a Triple Bypass burger when he began experiencing the symptoms.

via FOX5 Vegas

This here is the founder of Heart Attack Grill. He died in March, 2011 due to "the flu." Riiiight.

OK, OK…maybe it’s not “awesome” that some poor asshole died in this restaurant.  But to me the concept is, because that’s the restaurant’s whole marketing shtick.  ”C’mon in and die while y’all eat, hyuk-hyuk!  No, not really!  But maybe!”  It’s a horrifying and vastly depressing statement about what we’ve become as Americans.  Imagine:  some of us are so empty and unfulfilled that we eat ourselves to death.  We’re a grotesque, morbidly obese nation and this restaurant is the pinnacle of what a nation of desperate face-stuffers can accomplish.

Have a nice day! :)

Even Santa bows before the military

 Holy Shit! (Religion), Idiots & Assholes (Politics)
Dec 242011
 

This has to be the most utterly ridiculous Christmas photo I’ve seen in ages:  Santa Claus kneeling in front of a soldier’s gun with the American flag waving in the background.  What stinky cesspit of Photoshop hell did this spring from?

Yes, I get the main message:  our soldiers put their lives on the line and should be appreciated.  But bringing god into the mix takes it to a whole new level of crazy.  The group mentioned at the bottom are big on American exceptionalism–which they believe happens directly by the hand of god.  Yeah.  And, naturally, they hate Obama because that’s such a Christian thing to do nowadays.

Wedding at Starbucks: an American dream

 Unfuckingbelievable!
Dec 082011
 

How romantic!  *gag*  Talk about scraping the absolute bottom of the barrel in taste and dignity.  This is almost (but not quite) as bad as that puke-inducing wedding at a Waffle House.  I wonder if the bride threw a scalding-hot drink over her head for some unlucky bridesmaid to catch.  That would actually be pretty awesome.

You homophobes who think marriage is still “sacred” can stick this right in your latte hole!

In a scene that could be straight out of Best In Show, a couple whose romanced blossomed over cups of Starbucks’ pricey caffeine decided that the java joint was the perfect place to bind themselves together for eternity.

The dream wedding happened last night at a Starbucks in Tulsa, where the couple has become a bit of a fixture during their time together.

via The Consumerist.

Shocker: America’s favorite brood mare Michelle Duggar expecting unit #20

 Holy Shit! (Religion), Unfuckingbelievable!
Nov 092011
 

Documenting this woman’s new spawn has become something of a tradition here at Quantum Moronics.  First in 2004 (last paragraph), again in 2005, once more in 2007, and now here we are again.  I must have missed spawn #18 and #19, perhaps a subconscious effort to not have to write about this crazy, irresponsible bitch and her disgusting horny husband again.  But of course now I have to.

I bet you could drive this through her gaping, whithered twatflaps.

The birth of a 20th baby from one set of parents is bound to raise some eyebrows — or drop some jaws and spur some expressions of horror. Add to the total number of children these tidbits: Mom is 45; the last Duggar addition — born in December 2009, three months early and at 1 pound, 6 ounces — began life in a neonatal intensive care unit; and the size of the family and its continued growth are the basis for a reality show.

On Tuesday, tweets included the unkind variety — “sick,” “stupid” and “out of control” — as well as the what-did-they-ever-do-to-you variety — “You are not impacted by them procreating.” And then there was the innocuous: “Have they not run out of names starting with J?” The kids are: Joshua, Jana, John-David, Jill, Jessa, Jinger, Joseph, Josiah, Joy-Anna, Jedidiah, Jeremiah, Jason, James, Justin, Jackson, Johannah, Jennifer, Jordyn-Grace and Josie.

via latimes.com

Luke Skywalker = Jesus Christ! No, really!

 Holy Shit! (Religion)
Sep 072011
 

Here’s a great book for a coffee table…or the bathroom.  It claims to offer spiritual advice by comparing Christian teachings to “Star Wars”.  I kid you not, this shit is real.  It’s yet another example of Christians trying to make their religion cool, modern, and interesting to young people.

We can lump this batshit craziness in with the other lame attempts at Christian coolness:  hip-hop/rock music, action movies, comic books, flash mobs, and video games.  Your beliefs will never be hip and modern, they will never reach pop culture greatness.  Just admit it and quit trying, will ya?  Y’all are really looking more stupid than ever lately.

Celebrate the 30th Anniversary of Star Wars with this fascinating book

Star Wars Jesus deftly blends spiritual commentary with cinematic imagery to reveal Jesus to all those who love this series. The result is a refreshingly new vision of both the movie series and faith. Written in 101 entries that chronologically follow the movies this book is well suited to short reads from the coffee table.

via Google eBookstore

SEVENHUNDREDCATSOMG700CATS

 Unfuckingbelievable!
Aug 312011
 

Holy fuckin’ shitballs, folks!  700 cats.  SEVEN HUNDRED!  That’s how many they found in a house in Flordia.  700 goddamn cats.

Now, this site is no stranger to cat hoarding.  Well, that is…I’ve been posting stories about cat hoarding for a few years:  once in 2003 (171 cats), again in 2004 (200 cats), yet again in 2005 (300+ cats), and the last one in 2006 (168 cats).  So it’s been a while.  But SEVEN HUNDRED FUCKING CATS?  Are these psychotic monsters hoarding more nowadays or what?

Police raided Floridas Haven Acres Cat Sanctuary population: 692 fewer cats than they had before, and in doing so uncovered “the biggest case of cat hoarding the Humane Society of the United States has ever participated in.” The proprietors of said kitty slum, Pennie and Steven Lefkowitz, are each facing 47 counts of animal cruelty, which includes one for a neglected rooster. All charges are third-degree felonies.

via Gawker

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