A little girl in a toy store rants about girls being stuck with pink princessy toys and boys being stuck with superhero toys. ’Tis a smart child who can see right through that gender-partitioning marketing bullshit! She’s my hero for the day.
A few years ago I was disgusted by the Jr. Off Roader, a $32K custom-built SUV for (rich) kids which is custom-made to order. I see now they make a Camper Caravan Trailer which attaches to the Jr. Off Roader, allowing your bratty tyke to play like he’s a retired grown-up traveling the open road or whatever. This one’s $38,250, while the Off Roader has dropped to a mere $27,750. Truly a deal for the set!
I can just hear little Carson/Preston/Rupert/Topher now: ”Mummy? Dear Mummy, I shan’t be able to sleep another night until I have the Camper Caravan Trailer for my Jr. Off Roader! Do say I can have one, Mummy, and I promise not to drive it into our 30-foot hedge sculptures, I truly promise!”
Ugh. Rich people piss me off.
Americans are so afraid of their own shadows that even an abandoned toy raises alarms of evildoer terrorists lurking in our neighborhoods hoping to blow up our precious, precious children. In this case, the genius Orange County Sheriff decided to blow up a mechanical toy horse “just in case.” And they say the terrorists haven’t won!
A “suspicious” toy pony was blown up after it was found abandoned in the middle of a cul-de-sac near an Orange County elementary school this morning.
The FurReal pony, an expensive, life-like toy, was investigated as a possible explosive device after someone called Orange County deputies to report it. A robot inspected the toy before a pack of explosives was placed near the stuffed animal and detonated.
Students at nearby Waterbridge Elementary School were placed on a modified lockdown in which no one was allowed in or out of the building during the investigation. The lockdown was lifted after the pony was blown up.
Orange County Sheriff’s spokesman Jeff Williamson said the pony was later declared “non-threatening.”
This afternoon, blackened pavement and bits of plastic littering the cul-de-sac on Whisper Glen Court were all that was left of the pony.
via Orlando Sentinel
Oh well, as long as the illusion of safety has been upheld, I guess that’s all that really matters. Here’s a video for your viewing pleasure.
This story sorta reminds me of a photo I took during our trip to Kauai in 2005. We were walking along some volcanic rocks by the beach and I saw this bright pink toy pony, dashed against the rocks, face covered by its neon blue mane. It was hilarious and pathetic, and also one of my favorite photos from the trip!
God help us, the Christian toys are now coming to store shelves, and at Wal-Mart, even. Last December they were rejected (and later accepted) by Toys for Tots, so that must have emboldened them to spread their silly wares into toy stores.
From the middle of August, Wal-Mart, the biggest toy retailer in the US, will for the first time stock a full line of faith-based toys.
The Bible-based action figures will initially be given two feet of shelf space in 425 of the company’s 3,300 stores nationwide.
There, the Tales of Glory dolls will take on what their makers are calling “the battle for the toy box” with some of the nation’s most popular action figures.
It’s the most wonderful slap of the year! The Toys for Tots program is rejecting donations of talking Bible-themed dolls. The Beverly Hills Teddy Bear Company is shocked — shocked! — that their scripture-spouting dollies won’t be making their way into the hands of poor and needy children. (The company division which makes the dolls is called one2believe. Everybody roll your eyes with me.) Why are they surprised? Do they honestly think that children will enjoy getting these? What about Jewish kids? Hell, I think even most level-headed Christian kids would turn their noses up at these ugly little things. But the real point is this company’s motivations. I feel that if you can’t give toys to needy children without injecting your religion into it, well…pardon my French, but le fuck you.
UPDATE: Sigh. Toys for Tots has agreed to accept the dolls after all, promising that they’ve found appropriate homes for them. (May I suggest a landfill?) I wonder how many people threatened to withhold their donations if these dolls weren’t accepted. That’s usually how it works…
Parents in Britain are outraged about a new pole dancing toy for kids called Peekaboo Pole. “Unleash the sex kitten inside…simply extend the Peekaboo pole inside the tube, slip on the sexy tunes and away you go! Soon you’ll be flaunting it to the world and earning a fortune in Peekaboo Dance Dollars.” Naturally the company, Tesco, has pulled the product off toy shelves after getting complaints. One activist type said, “This is a most dangerous toy that will contribute towards destroying children’s innocence.”
Now, hold on a second. Yeah, it’s kind of a disgusting toy…and yet it’s funny in a tasteless sort of way. The look on those parents’ faces is priceless! But why the outrage about “destroying children’s innocence”? From what I can see, children aren’t allowed to have innocence for more than a couple of years in today’s world: they are pressured from the start to act grown-up, shop, use a cellphone, apply for credit cards, have play-dates, get enrolled in “genius classes”, and get psychiatric treatment before they’re even old enough to know what to do with it all. Girls are especially under pressure — they’re programmed to wear makeup, dress like lil’ skanks, and flaunt their “stuff” before they’re even into their early teens. Where’s the innocence in that?
You parents who won’t let your children be young and innocent have made something like this possible. This toy only takes it all to the next logical level, folks. Don’t pretend to be surprised.
Hot on the heels of the grotesque Bratz Dollz and eager to exploit every little girl’s desire to be a tarted-up little whorelet, the world is now being subjected to the stomach-churching stench of Pussycat Dolls dolls. I mean, they’re dolls of the Pussycat Dolls — you know, the internationally-famous slutgroup. They pump and grind their hips and fondle themselves for the camera while lipsyching deep, probing lyrics like “Dontcha wish your gir-frend was hot like me” and “You know how I feel / Winter’s running free / You know how I feel / Bouncing on the tree.” Classic stuff, to be sure. And now your child can own these snatchtacular characters in doll form! Perfect role models for tots everywhere. Dontcha wish yer daughter was skanky like dat! Dontcha??
This is another story I somehow missed when it first hit earlier this month: the talking Elmo book which asks the question on the mind of every toddler: “Who wants to die?” Wow, that’s not something you hear very often in a kids’ book! Just imagine what questions this can lead to. “Mommy, will I die if I go potty? Why does Elmo want me whacked?” Oh, what fun.
You’ve seen the Bratz dolls, right? They’re impossible to miss since they’re marketed like crazy. They have oversized eyes and lips, teensy little waists, and a single facial expression: calm, cool contempt. If these dolls could talk, they’d be saying “You want what I got? Talk to the hand, bitch! I fucked yo boyfriend!”
Even the grotesque Bratz Babyz have this tarted-up “Screw you!” look. Seriously. They really creep me out. Is this nasty attitude really necessary in a toy?
As expected, the Bratz dolls(z?) have been very successful and therefore they’ve expanded this line of snotty little dolls to include “boyz” as well. Wonderful. But these ones don’t really look bitchy…they just look like midget versions of pretentious pretty-boy pop singers. Again, cree-e-e-e-e-p-y.
This brings me to the point of this post (yes, there is one!). Troy recently pointed me to a website which will amaze and horrify you. No, it’s not Michael Jackson’s museum of old noses. It’s not the Ernest Borgnine nude photo collection. It’s worse, oh so much worse! Welcome, if you dare, to one man’s obsession with Bratz Boyz. He has far more information about them than any adult male should have…but just as disturbing (maybe more so) is his massive collection of Ken dolls. Oh yes, the whole site is one giant freak-o-rama.
What do you buy for your spoiled little spawn when you have many thousands of dollars just sitting around, waiting to be spent? Why, you buy him his own SUV. What, SUVs are too big? Not anymore! Here comes the Junior Off Roader, an SUV for the cute lil’ tykes who want to guzzle gas, drive like selfish pricks, and hog two parking spots, just like Mummy and Daddy. Awww, so cute. And so resonably priced, too, at only $32,350. I smell a bargain! Thanks to Matthew Yanos for alerting us to this gift that no child should be without.