God’s personal vendetta against crappy football player

 Holy Shit! (Religion)
Dec 032010
 

I love this story.  I’ve always been mystified by these macho jocks who make a big public show of praying before a game and thanking God when they make a good play.  AS IF God would ever waste one iota of his/her/its infinite consciousness on such trivial peepeecaca.  How arrogant can you get?

So the big question now is:  why don’t these ball-tossing mongoloids ever blame God when they fuck up?  If you’re willing to believe prayer will magically make you play better, you should expect days when God just doesn’t give a shit.

It wasnt his own hands or the Pittsburgh secondary Sunday that foiled Buffalo Bills wide receiver Steve Johnson from hauling in what should have been the game-winning TD catch in the end zone.

It was God.

“I PRAISE YOU 24/7!!!!!!” the 24-year-old tweeted from his iPad at around 5:15 Sunday after the Steelers 19-16 overtime victory. “AND THIS HOW YOU DO ME!!!!! YOU EXPECT ME TO LEARN FROM THIS??? HOW???!!! ILL NEVER FORGET THIS!! EVER!!! THX THO…”

Johnson had a perfect pass in his hands that would have given his team an overtime victory over the heavily favored Steelers.

Instead of walking off the field the hero, however, he dropped it.

Devastated, the 24-year-old watched in horror as the Steelers drove back down the field for the game-winning field goal.

While he seemed to hold it together on the sidelines, after the game, he later addressed the one person he found to blame on Twitter: God.

Johnson had seven catches for 68 receiving yards in the loss, but dropped at least three passes on the day.

via nydailynews.com

Dain Bramaged

 General Blatherings
Feb 202009
 

CNN recently featured a story conveying the astonishingly astonishing news that dead athletes’ brains show damage.  Well shit, you don’t need to conduct an extensive study to see that.  Just look at ‘em!

Plus, if their purpose in life is to bash into each other and slam each other around and pound each other into a pulp (homoerotic overtones, anyone?), of course their gray matter is going to suffer.  Self-inflicted brain damage for fame and high profits…  Isn’t that the new American dream?

As American as God and Baseball

 Holy Shit! (Religion), Patriotic Peepeecaca, Unfuckingbelievable!
Aug 312008
 

Here’s something I didn’t know that almost made me spew my lunch all over my monitor:  in Yankee Stadium, being present during the national anthem and “God Bless America” is mandatory.  They literally chain you into the aisles.  If you try to leave for any reason you’ll be cuffed and thrown out of the stadium, like this guy was when he tried to go to the bathroom during the all-important Musical Moments of Patriotism and Religious Fervor.  Of course the NYPD says that he was drunk and disorderly, which he claims is ridiculous…and seeing how the NYPD attacks bicylists at random these days, I’m not too inclined to believe them.

Lacking a more eloquent way to express my feelings on this, all I can say is:  fuck this sports-nationalism shit.  Why in the world are people singing the National Anthem at any sports event?  What is that?  What purpose does it serve–to remind us that we’re Americans?  I think we’re well aware of that, thank you.  Attending a baseball game doesn’t make you a good American.  I can understand their desire to do it for a while after an emotional event like 9/11, but forcing this on people years after the fact is just plain nuts.

The same goes for making the players pray before each game, what a crock.  Assuming there’s some bearded man in the sky who takes orders from athletes, do you really think he gives a shit about favoring one team over another?  I think he’d have more pressing issues to attend to.  These guys never blame God when they lose, either…they just accept it as “His will.”  Oh, I’d love to see some football player leaving the field after a crushing defeat, shaking his fist in the air and cursing the heavens.  But I’d have to actually watch football to see that, so nevermind…

An Olympics worth paying attention to?

 General Blatherings
Aug 092008
 

I haven’t watched the Olympics for years, mostly because I’m just not a sports-watchin’ kinda guy.  Well, except maybe for a few minutes of gymnastics, wrestling, or diving…hey, I can’t deny my homoness.  Otherwise, I don’t feel drawn to it in the least.

Having them hosted in Beijing this year, however, makes things a lot more interesting.  Of course the control-freak Chinese government is censoring reporters and humanitarian websites, bugging taxi cabs , displacing citizens to make room for stadiums and such, walling off homes and businesses to make things prettier, and making dissidents “disappear” to quell any anti-government voices.  And yet, their official Olympics website boldly claims “One World, One Dream.”  Sure, one dream…as long as it passes through those government filters.

A major player in the Beijing Olympics is Nature:  ocean-clogging green algae blooms (check out this fascinating photo gallery), sweltering heat, and uncooperative weather are mixing it up a bit, leading the government to such desperate measures as cloud-seeding.  Well, you can’t say they’re aren’t creative.

And let’s not forget the horrific, lung-destroying air pollution (I mean “mist”, as China officials called it) causing many triathletes to resort to wearing masks to protect themselves while they’re running around out in the stuff.  It’s hilarious to watch their officials feed us bullshit about how the pollution really isn’t that bad.  But just imagine how much worse it would be if they hadn’t pulled a million cars off the road and shut down dozens of factories around the city!  They are getting a lot of praise for their efforts, and you’d think they would take this as a sign that they need to clean up their act, but the air will be back to its green, soupy self immediately after the games end.  Nothing will change.

Stampede!

 Fun Stuff
Nov 052007
 

From the Seattlest Blog comes some sports news that’s actually worth reporting.   It sorta reminds me of all those fake video clips online of people getting hit by trains, except this time the victim is a local cheerleader and the train is a rush of oncoming football players.  Am I a total bastard for admitting that I just about shot coffee out my nose when I saw this?

A touchdown for idiocy

 Fun Stuff
Oct 262007
 

I saw two stories in the past couple of weeks which hilariously salute the intellectual vacuum that is the world of sports.  First, it looks like a couple of NC universities are heavily watering fake turf in the middle of a drought.  That’s right, it’s astroturf.  As stunningly stupid as this is, it’s typical sportier-than-thou behavior.  Even during drought conditions, the sports world smiles and looks on; the comfort of the players far outweighs the thirst of ordinary humans.  Besides, they understand the issue:

Beth Bozman, Duke’s field hockey coach, said she understood why passers-by could get all worked up over sprinklers going full blast amid conservation pleas.  “I drive a hybrid, and I recycle,” Bozman said.  “I’m as green as anybody. I understand.”

Well la-de-fuckin-da, Beth.  Good for you and your hybrid.  What part of “watering fake grass” does not compute?

Next we’re treated to a highly snortworthy story about Dolphins linebacker Channing Crowder.  I wonder if his last name should have been Chowder, because he’s proven himself to be a total chowderhead.  Upon departing for London for some game or other, he offered to share his vast knowledge about England.

“I couldn’t find London on a map if they didn’t have the names of the countries,” Crowder said.  “I swear to God.  I don’t know what nothing is.  I know Italy looks like a boot.  I learned that.  I know (Washington Redskins linebacker) London Fletcher.  We did a football camp together.  So I know him.  That’s the closest thing I know to London.  He’s black, so I’m sure he’s not from London.  I’m sure that’s a coincidental name.”

When reminded Dolphins practice squad receiver and NFL Europe veteran Marvin Allen is from London, Crowder’s standup routine didn’t miss a beat.  “He’s from London?” Crowder said.  “I knew he was from over there because he talks funny.  I was surprised (when they met) because — I don’t want to say he didn’t look the part because that’s a stereotype — but he didn’t look the part. I heard him talk, and I thought he had a recorder and was just mouthing.”

Yes, Chowder, most Brits are lip-syching their accents to real-time prerecorded conversations.  Oh, and there are no black Londoners, they’re just yankin’ your chain.  Jesus, was his guy dropped as a baby or something?  Of course there’s some speculation that he was just joking around, but come on…it’s hard to fake that kind of emptyheadedness. It likely comes from being slammed around so much by his fellow thick-necked mongoloids.

It’s not about winning or losing…it’s about poppin’ a cap in someone’s ass.

 General Blatherings
Feb 232007
 

Obviously my heart is filled with evil glee is whenever some overpaid sports celebrity makes a national ass of himself, but it’s even better when an overhyped sports event goes insanely awry.  I’m talking about last weekend’s NBA All-Star Weekend in Vegas, which turned out to be little more than an excuse for these “professionals” (worshipped as role models by many young ‘uns) to run around and act like animals and criminals.  AOL’s Jason Whitlock was there and wrote a great commentary on this mind-boggling assholery.  I’ll paste in some of the juicier bits:

The game is a sloppy, boring, half-hearted mess.  The dunk contest is contrived and pointless.  The celebrity contest is unintended comedy.  And, worst of all, All-Star Weekend revelers have transformed the league’s midseason exhibition into the new millennium Freaknik, an out-of-control street party that features gunplay, violence, non-stop weed smoke and general mayhem.

All weekend, people, especially cab drivers, gossiped about brawls and shootings.  You didn’t know what to believe because the local newspaper was filled with stories about what a raging success All-Star Weekend was.

There were so many fights and so many gangbangers and one parking-lot shootout at the MGM Grand that people literally fled the hotel in fear for their safety.  I talked with a woman who moved from the MGM to the Luxor because “I couldn’t take it.  I’ll never come back to another All-Star Game.”

I was there.  Walking The Strip this weekend must be what it feels like to walk the yard at a maximum security prison.  You couldn’t relax.  You avoided eye contact.  The heavy police presence only reminded you of the danger.

Wow, sounds like a great place to be for all those basketball fans!  But is anyone surprised this happened?  These celebrity players make tons of money and think they’re above the law, and bringing them to a flashy place like Vegas is bound to dissolve whatever self-control they might have left.  And isn’t it just typical for the pricks in the Vegas media to downplay this stuff and pump out bullshit about what a success the event was?  But for someone like me who gets a perverse kick out of seeing sports cultists reveal their true nature, it’s entertainment gold. I’d expect the same exact thing from a football or baseball event, by the way…none of them are above this. (Oddly enough, this is the same event that a certain bigot was recently barred from.  Looks like he might have been right at home there.)

Gay-Gay-Gay in the N-B-A!

 Heterosexually Challenged
Feb 212007
 

Normally I try to ignore the sports world, but it’s been interesting watching the fallout after former NBA player John Amaechi came out as a big ol’ gay homosexual.  Risky business in the NBA, or any other sect of the great Sports Cult, but at least he eventually came out with it.  Predictably, stupid reactions are afoot: Shavlik Randolph (of the Philadelphia Sixers, according to the story…I certainly wouldn’t know) actually said, “As long as you don’t bring your gayness on me I’m fine.”  Uh-huh.  Isn’t it amusing how these macho straight guys automatically assume they’re going to be a target of gayhomo affections?  Please, don’t flatter yourself.  And from Tim Hardaway (former Miami Heat guy, I guess) we have these lovely nuggets of wisdom which really stirred up some shit last week:

“First of all I wouldn’t want him on my team,” said Hardaway. “Second of all, if he was on my team I would really distance myself from him because I don’t think that’s right and I don’t think he should be in the locker room when we’re in the locker room.”

Le Batard took Hardaway to task, pointing out that his comments were ‘flatly homophobic’ and bigoted, but that only seemed to stir up the former point guard.  “Well, you know, I hate gay people,” Hardaway said in response to Le Batard. “I let it be known I don’t like gay people. I don’t like to be around gay people.  I’m homophobic. It shouldn’t be in the world, in the United States, I don’t like it.”

Ouch!  Not too bright, and insecure as hell.  It “doesn’t belong in the world”?  Wow, this guy’s got some issues.  Doesn’t this macho alpha-male neanderthal know that publicly declaring your bigotry to the public is sure to get you spanked?  And spanked he was:  banned from the weekend’s All-Star game in Vegas.  He continues to apologize, and continues to be dropped from organizations and games.  He keeps saying he didn’t mean it, he doesn’t hate queerhomogays, blah-blah blah…but he obviously has some moronic demons to deal with there.  (A blogger for the Houston Chronicle cleverly translates Hardaway’s apologies into what he actually means…it’s pretty good.)

Jesus.  All this fallout over one former NBA player admitting he’s been a not-so-straight shooter all these years.  Some progress we’ve made, hmmm?  And despite what the right-wing asshats say, we gayfolk don’t expect everyone to fully embrace and love our cornholing ways.  We just expect you to treat us respectfully like fellow humans, not filthy animals to be hated and avoided.  You homophobes seriously need to relax.  And grow the fuck up.

As a side note, that Houston Chronicle blogger brings up a good question:  why don’t NBA/NFL locker rooms have private showers?  Why are these grunting, neckless, über-hetero men gettin’ nekkid and wet together after a game?  Sheesh…and they call us perverts.

Dodgers fans can stuff it

 Unfuckingbelievable!
Jan 152007
 

Wow, this is fascinating:  the folks at Dodger Stadium have just converted the entire right-field pavilion into an all-you-can-gorge section.  Along with a jacked-up ticket price, it guarantees that you’ll be able to sit back and shovel unlimited amounts of frank-shaped processed entrails, grease-infused potato shavings, and carbonated liquid candy right into your drooling, gaping maw.  And you won’t have to feel guilty, ’cause this is America and baseball is the all-American sport!  It’s truly a Golden Age, don’t you agree?

Personally, I like to think about all those clogged arteries hemorrhaging at the same time.  Hopefully during a game.  While the Dodgers are losing.  Hell, I might even tune in for that one…

Baseball: bring on the steroids

 General Blatherings
Oct 022006
 

The sports world is currently atwitter because Roger Clemens (“one of professional baseball’s most durable and successful pitchers”) is being accused of taking performance-enhancing drugs.  Now, normally I give less than a shit about what’s going on in the sports world since it’s really just a lot of meaningless cult activity.  Especially something as boring as baseball…yawn. But you know what?  I think baseball would be a hell of a lot more interesting to me if players were encouraged to shoot up with steroids.  Why not?  Pump ‘em all up, let’s see some superhuman plays!  Watch ‘em zip around the bases like kids on too much sugar.  And think of the fistfights!  Hell, I’d pay to see a good freakshow like that.

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