Does it really surprise anyone that the people who preach so much against sex and “perversion” like homosexuality–mostly those repressed Bible-thumpin’ conservative nutjobs–consume most of America’s porn? Ohhh yes, this just confirms what everyone always suspected: these assholes are just as horny and in need of sexual relief as the rest of us. It sorta brings a whole new meaning to the term “whackjob”, doesn’t it? I’m all for porn, don’t get me wrong…I just think it’s hilarious for them to pretend to be so pure and chaste when we all know they aren’t. And guess which state snarfs up the most dirty material!
Utah. That’s right, the same evil fuckers who continue to funnel millions of church money into campaigns trying to torpedo anything having to do with equal rights for the gay homosexuals. The same evil fuckers who actually have special underwear to prevent their horny teens from touching themselves when they’re alone in bed. The same evil fuckers who think a woman’s place is either in the kitchen or in bed pumping out another kid. These people aren’t fooling anyone…they have the same urges as the rest of us. Shit, I’ve known ex-Mormons who, as teenagers, routinely hid the salami with their church leaders. You sick bastards! And God sees it all. He knows what dirty magazines you read, what slutty websites you visit, and how much you charge old men to view your webcam. He even watches you wax the carrot when you think nobody’s around…and he’s disgusted. And, frankly, so am I. The thought of some of these repressed churchy types fapping frantically to pictures of skanky chicks or douchey dudes makes me physically ill.
Oh, how I wish we could reveal the names on some of these porn mailing lists. Wouldn’t that be such delicious fun? Then we could actually plot them on a map as examples of their flawed, failed, Dark Ages ideology. What a Google Maps mashup that would be….