OMG DTV CONVERTERS ARE WATCHING OMGOMGOMG

 General Blatherings
Feb 252009
 

What obvious bullshit is the conspiracy crowd taking as absolute fact lately?  Is it the airplanes spraying toxic chemtrails over our major cities in order to control the population?  Is it the multi-colored mailbox dots which designate which citizens will be taken to FEMA death camps after America has been handed over to a foreign power?  People actually believe this tripe, you know.  No, this is even stupider than that, but not by much.  Prepare yourself for . . . The DTV Converter Box Conspiracy!!  Yes, the gub-mint wants to spy on you and the best way to do that is to subsidize a digital TV converter box with a spy camera built inside.  It’s brilliant!

Oh, wait…it was just a hoax.  This guy actually stuck the camera parts in there himself in order to have some fun with a conspiracy-nut friend.  But the fact still remains that the tinfoil-hatters were already suspecting this sort of thing before he hoaxed everybody.  They actually came up with this shit on their own, like they usually do.

Are people really this stupid and gullible?  Yes, they are.  And they vote…how’s that for a scary thought?  Fuckin’ morons.  AS IF the government wants to watch a bunch of dumbass American couch potatoes as they stuff their faces and gaze blankly at the TeeVee!  This is the sort of thing that tiny-brained ultra-paranoiacs love to think about when their mongoloid cracker spawn are in bed, all the guns have been cleaned, the tinfoil hats have been shelved for the evening, and their remaining three teeth have been meticulously brushed.  This is the kind of people we’re dealing with here:  mental midgets desperately in need of a course in critical thinking, or at the very least a good boot to the head.

Don’t Break the Chain!

 Holy Shit! (Religion), Patriotic Peepeecaca
Jul 212006
 

Some poor soul out there got out his digital crayon and scrawled this pathetic prayer chain email to spam all his friends with.  It’s got all the usual “Yay USA!  Screw France!” stuff, with some other nonsense about the ACLU. And, of course, people spammed others with it, unwilling to “break the chain.”  Sigh.  Too bad they didn’t realize that this one’s a hoax and nobody can prove its claims.  Tee hee!

Hoax or not, I’ve seen dozens of others like it.  I’m not as offended by the shmaltzy content as much as the chain letter aspect.  The idea that “breaking the chain” will result in a bad outcome is one of the oldest and stupidest junk-mail hoaxes ever, and it’s even more moronic in email form.  It’s like those things you were handed by some kid in high school: “Pass this around! Don’t break the chain or you’ll end up like Mrs. Pitlick of Dillhole, KY who ignored this letter and was killed in her own bed during a freak accident involving a blimp and some monkeys.”

Feh.  This kind of patrio-religious dildonics reminds me of how Chuck Palahniuk referred to prayer chains in one of his books:  “A spiritual pyramid scheme.  As if you can gang up on God.  Bully him around.”

Looking back at forwards

 Fun Stuff
Dec 282005
 

A coworker sent this to me this morning.  I don’t get as many email hoaxes and urban legends forwarded to my inbox as I used to, but this sorta brings back all the times I had to tell certain friends and family members not to be so gullible!

Happy Holidays to all:

As another year will shortly be a memory, my heartfelt appreciation goes out to all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me “forwards” over the past 12 months. Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy.

Extra thanks for the ones that I have to open 15 times to get to the message.

Special thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat crap in the glue on envelopes ’cause I now have to go get a wet towel every time I need to seal an envelope.

Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason. Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer drink Pepsi, or Dr Pepper, since the people who make these products are atheists who won’t put “Under God” on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone might drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from, nor send packages by UPS, or FedEx, since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer answer the phone, because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda,Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer eat KFC, because their “chickens” are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer have any sneakers — but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.

I no longer have to buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus, since I now have their recipe.

I no longer worry about my soul, because at last count I have 363,214 angels looking out for me.

Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

I no longer have any savings, because I gave it to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time)

I no longer have any money at all – but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special email program.

Yes, I want to thank you so much for looking out for me that I will now return the favor!

If you don’t send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 7 minutes, a large pigeon with a wicked case of diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM (EST) this afternoon. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of mine’s next door neighbor’s ex-mother-in-law’s second husband’s cousin’s beautician.

Have a very HAPPY NEW YEAR!