Originally posted 6/19/03. Ohhh, did I ever get some hate mail about this one. They were all from people who completely missed the sarcasm, they actually thought I was promoting meth use! Morons.
This is an actual pamphlet found in a Seattle bookstore. A translation is provided for your convenience.
“Look at me. I am alluring stud, yes?”
Translation: Hey, cool guy! Forget about those pesky long-term effects of using crystal meth:
- Increased heart rate and blood pressure
- Impaired memory or memory loss
- Damage to internal organs
- Poor motor coordination
- Psychotic behavior
- Dry mouth and skin
- Increased susceptibility to disease
- Deterioration of nasal tissue
- Body sores
- Stealing to support habit
- Funny smell
Never mind all those. We just wanna make sure your veins stay healthy while you’re killing yourself. Read on!
Mr. Veiny says, “Thanks for the water, dude! C’mon, stab me again!”
Translation: Water is important! If you drink lots and lots of water while you shoot your veins full of toxic chemicals, your veins will remain nice and strong, able to deliver as much of the poison to your system as possible. Yay!
Translation: Poisons like crystal meth don’t mix well with other things like tobacco, soda pop, coffee, tea, or even cocaine (the bad drug). These shrink your veins up. Why shrink your veins when you’re pumping them full of awesome toxic sludge? Avoid these things and your veins will stay wide open for further abuse. Cool, huh?
Translation: While stabbing your flesh repeatedly trying to get yourself high, be sure not to stab yourself in the same place too many times. Your veins can get all soft and icky in those spots, and your flesh might even get infected and start to rot. Take care of your body while you poison it, and it will always take care of you! Until it dies, anyway.
Translation: Here are some places where you can get new needles so you can safely keep stabbing yourself. You can also meet other guys who are slowly wasting away on crystal. Like, kewl! Sorry, guys, if you want to know how to quit doing meth, you’re lookin’ at the wrong pamphlet!
While browsing through a local bookstore, I came across this pamphlet aimed at abusers of crystal meth. Not only did the cartoony vein mascot totally crack me up, but I noticed that the pamphlet completely avoided any suggestion that the user actually stop doing crystal. Isn’t that interesting? This thing tells all about how to keep your veins healthy, but it doesn’t say one thing about quitting crystal altogether. Sure, maybe it doesn’t want to appear “preachy” which might turn people away, but come on…how much help is this to addicts by simply instructing them on how to more effectively poison themselves? Shouldn’t this at least have a drug abuse hotline on the back or something? The number on the back claims to be for a group which offers “options” for users of crystal, but I wonder if quitting is included in those options. Hmmm.
Anyway, I decided to have a little fun with this pamphlet and translate what they’re really telling you addicts out there in their silly, sugar-coated way. I hope this was helpful.