Sep 232012
 

Check out these spam numbers from the past few months.  Notice a slight surge in spam comments for September?

Fuck a duck!  It jumped from an average of 400/month to over 8000.  What caused that??  95% of them were comments on the post about Nike shoes and Jesus, but I wonder why that post.  Maybe they’re targeting posts about Nike…or Jesus.  All I gotta say is THANK YOU to Akismet for preventing each and every one of those comments from being posted, not to mention letting me nuke them all at once.  Also, hooray for IP range bans!

Nov 022011
 

Over the past couple of years I’ve noticed a new trend that the marketing people are using to sell food:  slapping the label “artisan” on it.  The word conjures up images of smiling, plump folks in aprons (probably in an old-timey house in the countryside) sculpting each piece of food meticulously by hand, carefully inspecting each one before laying it gently in the package for your consumption.  In reality, 99% of this stuff comes from a giant factory like anything else–the word “artisan” is yet another marketing bullshit word used to con you into thinking you’re getting something really, really special.  Some stuff made by small local companies might qualify as being made by actual “food artisans” (cheese and tofu come to mind), but now that Starbucks has begun using that term, all bets are off!

For some reason I haven’t gotten around to posting about this, but the other day I ran across a post on Gawker about it:

There you have it, America: you (we) are all so dumb that all it takes is one clearly false adjective to convince us to mindlessly open our wallets and pay for the privilege of shoveling the same lab-created chemical pseudofood concoction as always down our gullets.

The Gawker post references a USA Today story on the subject, so I had to go read that as well!

Marketers know that consumers buy into this artisan imagery. More than 800 new food products have christened themselves artisan something-or-other in the past five years, reports researcher Datamonitor. While fewer than 80 new foods dubbed themselves artisan just four years ago, the number more than doubled to nearly 200 in 2010.

“The word artisan suggests that the product is less likely to be mass-produced,” says Tom Vierhile, innovation insights director at Datamonitor. “It also suggests the product may be less processed and perhaps better tasting and maybe even be better for you.”

After reading these, I knew it was time to post about it and share a few photos I took (starting last year) when I began noticing this stupid trend.  But before that, I have to share with you a blog I discovered while writing this post:  it’s called That Is Not Artisan.  This woman is my new hero–she goes after the marketing mis-use of this term with a vengeance!

OK, now for a few photos of my own… I know I’ve taken more, but I’ll have to do some digging.  The above blog should pretty much cover all the artisan-ness you need, though.

I snapped this one just the other day. Not only is this made by artisans, but it's made with ANCIENT GRAINS! What the hell does that even mean?

Ohhh, artisan stuffing! And what's with that logo? Looks like it was scrawled by someone's two-year-old.

Which part is artisan: the cheese or the cracker? We'll never know!

I think this was the first "artisan" product I saw at the grocery store. You know it's bad when I gotta have a picture of it...

 

Jul 102011
 

There are SO many things wrong with this:  the idiotic idea of an English Pub Burger, the non-English-Pub-ness of said burger (not only on a basic level but the inclusion of American cheese), the obvious desperation of McDonald’s marketing dept. in trying to come up with yet another way to repackage a simple bacon cheeseburger, the way the ad treats the customer like a complete idiot by explaining all that super complicated Brit lingo that anyone who watches TeeVee (and what American doesn’t?) already knows…  It’s simply horrible, shitty ad for horrible, shitty food.  It’s what we’ve come to expect from McDonald’s, though, so in that respect, bravo for this attempt at pub grub!  Wait…do I need to define “pub grub” to you in case you don’t know what it means?

On the heels of yet another devastating last-place finish among burger chains, McDonald’s may be trying to spice up their gray meat by going even grayer — or rather, greyer — with the English Pub Burger it’s testing in at least one Illinois town.

via The Consumerist

 

Feb 082011
 

This is fucking disgusting, but it works:  if you can get children to recognize a brand and its characters early on, you’ll have customers for life.   And that’s all they really are–they’re not fans, they’re customers.  McDonald’s knows this (Happy Meals, anyone?) and other companies do it too, but now Disney’s taking it a step further.   Lovely.

“Apparel is only a beachhead,” said Andy Mooney, chairman of Disney Consumer Products, about the opportunity to crack the estimated $36 billion/year baby product market in North America with everything from bath items to baby food to free theme park tickets for pregnant moms who sign up for e-mail alerts.

“To get that mom thinking about her familys first park experience before her baby is even born is a home run,” said Mooney, adding that a large number of families do not become consumers of Disney products until their children reach preschool age.

via The Consumerist

Oct 232010
 

How utterly, utterly depressing.  I wonder what this teaches kids when everything they see is a goddamn advertisement.  Will they grow up as mega-consumers, even worse than we are now?  Will they grow up believing that advertising is the only way schools are able to educate them?  Will they grow up with a programmed sense of loyalty to these corporations since they saw their ads every day at school?  Or perhaps they’ll become numb to it and cause it to lose its effectiveness.  Let’s watch!

When a school district in Minnesota decided to turn lockers into ad inventory, it didnt skimp on the creative palette. The Star Tribune in Minneapolis reports that some area schools are giving lockers over to an outfit called School Media. Now, students will put their lunches in lockers covered with a garish pink decal advertising the aquarium at the Mall of America.

via AdFreak

And here I thought that putting ads on notes to parents was bloody disgusting.  That’s just the tip of the iceberg!

Oct 052010
 

What the fuckity-fuck??  This is revolting!  I hardly ever buy candy in the first place, but why would I buy that candy now?  (On the other hand, the ad definitely works for memory retention…)

Here’s the latest oddball candy advertising—a 90-second Fruit Gushers video from Saatchi & Saatchi (supposedly Gerry Graf’s last piece of work for the agency) that tells the tall tale of Todd, a kid born with a squirting blue Fruit Gusher for an eye.

via AdFreak

Aug 162010
 

Why do we, as consumers, tolerate it when food advertising depicts one thing but the actual product looks nothing like it?  I’ve always wondered why we’re willing to just let the marketing douchebags pretty much do whatever they want and never hold them accountable.  Maybe it’s just generally accepted that we don’t get what we pay for.  Still, it surprises me that there isn’t a law about this.  Truth in advertising or something like that.

This Taco Bell item, for example, suffers from a serious identity crisis.  It doesn’t know what the hell it is!

I think it’s safe to say that most people have a decent grasp on the distinction between advertising and reality. Most of us know that the cheese on our Whopper isn’t going to perfectly placed like the cheese on TV or that the bacon on our Baconator probably won’t be identical to the crispy, glistening bacon we see on the poster. But at what point does fast food cross the line between “acceptably different” from the picture and “completely unrecognizable”?

via consumerist.com

Jun 072010
 

Eatless Hey, girls!  Did you know that eating makes you FAT?  Fat people are gross.  In fact they’re not even human.  So stop that eating.  ’Cause you don’t wanna get fat like THIS chick.  She could really use some dieting tips, the fat ugly fatty!

Proto-fauxhemian clothier Urban Outfitters is messing with young girls minds by selling a T-shirt that says “Eat Less.” It probably doesn’t come larger than size 12. Sadly, this will not keep one fatty from eating 10 Double Downs at once.

via gawker.com

And while we’re at it, can I one again state my utter contempt for any business which has the word “urban” in its name?  Thanks.

May 022010
 

“Avatar” fever has struck the Pacific Northwest, and the epicenter appears to be QFC grocery stores.  I’ve been to three different ones over the past week, and they’re all plastered top to bottom with advertising for the “Avatar” DVD which just hit the shelves.  They’ve got gigantic lifesize cardboard figures of the Na’vi, they’ve got big advertisement stickers on the floor, they’ve got ugly shit hanging from the ceiling…  I’ve never seen anything like it, and I can’t imagine what each store must be getting paid to promote it like this.

But that’s not the worst of it, oh no.  The most snickerworthy items are the “Avatar” baked goods.  That’s right, you can get cakes and cupcakes with fucking Na’avi “printed” on them.  Jesus!